Love Yourself

February is the month when love is in the air, thanks to St Valentine. But here is a thought for you. When did you last give yourself a Valentine?

That is not as strange as it may seem. As anyone who knows true love will tell you, the more love that you give, the more you receive. This starts an amazing circle of ever increasing love, which makes your eyes shine; your energy level rises and improves every aspect of your life.

The place to start the whole cycle going is with self love. This does not mean selfishness and introspection. It means taking time out to truly appreciate all your great qualities, skills and talents. Love yourself, give yourself a hug.

So many people find that they benefit from this simple change to their approach to love, because most of us are brought up with a culture where it is considered bad form to put yourself first, we can severely limit the love that we have to give.

It can also limit your capacity to receive love. If you do not love yourself, you may feel that you are unlovable by someone else. At best, this can make you doubt any expressions of love that you receive. At worst, it can even make you repel those who want to love you and that can result in the collapse of a relationship.

Self love is not the same as selfishness. It is the ability to acknowledge all your good points instead of a continual focus on your faults. It means looking into the mirror and seeing a person of great potential. When you can do this you can look the world in the eye, you can give freely and you can project love outwards to others.

A reason why so many people never get to find the one true love that the Valentines cards talk about, is because the whole idea of self love is alien to them. If they think about it as self-esteem then it becomes more acceptable. Every truly happy and successful person has high self-esteem. This is not the same as arrogance or conceit. It is about giving as much credibility to your positive qualities as you do to all of the others.

Address the issue of self-esteem then everything else just falls into place. The process of increased awareness is simple, gradual and very effective. The biggest payoff is, when you have done it once, you have it for all time. Then you become truly aware that you can be, do or have whatever you want in life and, that includes love.

We are all born with a good awareness of ourselves. What subsequently happens is that we remember all the negative things that others tell us about ourselves and these can swamp our opinions about the good qualities that we have. Decide to base your impressions of self on what you truly know to be true, instead of the opinions of others and you are well on the way to building up that never ending store of love that is your birthright.

With thanks to https://www.the-coaching-academy.com

Stop Worrying About Others

To feel accepted is a nearly universal human desire. After all, we evolved to survive better in groups, where fitting in and having the trust and respect of our peers are the measures of success. The need to belong is in our DNA..

But sometimes that need takes centre stage, and what others think about us takes on more importance than what we think about ourselves.

We may analyse each look and word that comes our way, for clues that we have been judged and found acceptable or lacking. Someone passing in the hall without a hello may leave us red-faced and convinced we do not deserve to be noticed. We may people please, always putting others first, which leaves us open to being taken advantage of while we chase praise. We may exhaust ourselves trying to be cool, hardworking, attractive, or successful enough to feel valued.

What is behind this anxiety about being liked, and why are some of us so much more vulnerable to it than others? 

In many cases, it is a type of echo from the past. At some point in our lives, something or someone may have made connection and affection seem conditional, something we have to fight for and do not really deserve. A sense of shame develops as we inevitably fall short of perfection. Author Brené Brown, who has spent her career studying shame and the ways in which we can develop what she calls “shame" resilience writes of this in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: “Healthy striving is self-focused: ‘How can I improve?’ Perfectionism is other-focused: ‘What will they think?’”

Perhaps your childhood caregivers were emotionally distant, physically or verbally abusive, or set impossible standards. Perhaps you were bullied at school or you felt as though you never measured up in our competitive comparison culture. 

Or maybe you cannot pinpoint an explanation. You just know you feel insecure and unworthy, and that leads you to count on others for reassurance that you matter and belong.

To be sure, wanting to be thought of positively is not a bad thing. We all need a little awareness of how others view us to keep balanced and attuned to how we affect others. But too much concern about what people think can lead us to value only what others want from us, rather than what we desire and need. And the irony is that what starts out as an effort to ensure our happines and acceptance, can end up doing the opposite.

Creating a New Mindset

If you recognise that you are someone who is anxious about being liked, there are steps you can take to get back to a healthier relationship with others and with yourself. 

Keep Things In Perspective

It is said that people would care a lot less about what others think about them if they knew how little others think about them. And it is true: Everyone has enough to occupy their mind. They also have their own insecurities. If you are worried about how you come across to someone you have just met, keep in mind that they are probably doing the same. 

Question Your Thinking

Humans tend toward cognitive distortions, patterns of negative thinking that can hurt our mood or behaviour. For example, we may assume the worst, or filter out the good in a situation and pay attention only to the bad. Or we may overgeneralise or jump to conclusions. Pay attention to your thoughts, and question them rather than allowing impressions to run away with you. You may discover that what you are fretting over exists only in your mind. 

Let Go Of Perfection

It can be hard to shake the feeling that if you just get things right, you will be loved and admired. But this is a fruitless pursuit, not only because perfection is an illusion, but because what people think about you has more to do with them than with you.

Get To Know Yourself

What do you really like? What do you really want? Are you making choices about your career, relationship and pastimes because you want them or because they will please or impress someone else? Allow yourself to try new things and wonder, “What would I pursue or enjoy if I was not so worried about being judged?” 

Find Your Tribe

Somewhere out there are people who can identify with you and appreciate you for who you are. Do not waste time trying to hang on to those who expect you to conform to their wishes and wants. Cultivate authenticity, and you will find those you are meant to be with. As Brown writes in Daring Greatly, “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

Allow Yourself To Be Vulnerable

It can be terrifying to go against the grain, speak out, take a risk, or face disapproval. But decide what matters to you, trust yourself, and go for it. We do not grow by always playing it safe, we grow by allowing ourselves a chance to fail. 

Accept A Helping Hand

The anxiety you feel about what others think can sometimes be overcome with a little self-awareness. But in some cases, especially for those with underlying trauma or mental health issues, professional help can help you get to the root of your feelings. Allow yourself to reach out for the care you need rather than prolonging your suffering. 

Be Your Own Friend

It is a tough reality, but you will never be able to make everyone like you, no matter what you do. But look on the bright side, no one else can do it, either. So accept the twinges that will inevitably come when you realise you have not made a connection with someone, and focus instead on a goal that will take you further toward being the kind of person you want to be by learning to like yourself, flaws and all.

With thanks to David Sack MD https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/where-science-meets-the-steps/201610/8-ways-stop-worrying-about-what-other-people-think

The Value Of True Friendship

Do not walk in front of me, I may not follow. Do not walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

Most of us have friends, or at least one friend, someone we spend time with, someone who knows us better than others do, someone we can count on when the need arises. It has been said that a friend is a gift that we give ourselves. Yet, how much time do we really spend thinking about those people who matter more to us than all the other people we meet and interact with throughout our life, sometimes including family?

What is the meaning of friendship?  There is no doubt that a friend adds to the fullness of life. Authenticity, honesty, and trust are qualities we expect to find in a friend. There is an understanding that the binding together of people in friendship helps each of us define and realise a meaningful life. 

The language of friendship is not words but meanings. 

When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.

A true friend shows up no matter what, they support and encourages us, tolerates our shortcomings, accepts us unconditionally, and care for us no matter what. 

A real friend walks in (even when they would rather be somewhere else), when everyone else is walking out. With a true friend the walls come down and you can be who you are without fear.  A good friend knows you well, sometimes better than you do yourself and is not afraid to tell you things you do not want to tell yourself.  A friend is present for you no matter what time of the night or day it is.

 A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.

Friendship is a partnership. Two people come together on equal terms. They give their all. Friendship demands more than love. Friendship expects and endures the good, the bad, and the ugly. A best friend is someone who brings out the best in you.

The only way to have a friend is to be one.  The best mirror is an old friend.

Life is partly what we make it and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.

True friends walk through life together.  A real friend bears witness to whatever happens to you. With old friends there is a comforting familiarity. You can let down your guard and just be who you truly are without fear, shame or guilt. A faithful friend is a treasure found.

Life without a friend is death without a witness.

We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend.

 A true friend shares our joys and sorrows. The inevitable twists and turns of our lives down the long and winding road that represents our journey is made sweeter and more meaningful by the sharing and caring of a good friend. Rites of passage, marriage, births, death of a friend’s significant other, death of those close to you, or any other important milestone event, are marked and honoured together.

Friendship multiplies the good of life and divides the evil, it also doubles our joy and divides our grief.

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter and the sharing of pleasures.

Friendship makes prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.

Friends can be family. Sometimes our friends are the family we wished we had. Sometimes we have difficulty with our own family. We may feel misunderstood, judged, ridiculed, or even ignored. In that case, our friends often fill in for what is not provided by our own family. In the best case scenario, however, family members can also be good friends.  

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.

One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives and a good friend can be your greatest relation.

Friends are often soul-mates. Recognising each other on a soul level helps us spiritually. John O’Donohue calls this the anam cara experience, translated from Gaelic to mean soul friend. “The anam cara was a person to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an anam cara, your friendship cut across all convention and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the friend of your soul.”

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. Friendship is always an act of recognition.

Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.

The sum is greater than the parts. In friendship our actions and reactions cause us to go beyond just being you and me. We are ultimately transformed into something far greater by the mere act of signing on to be in each other’s lives. We open new doors for each other; stepping over the threshold into new worlds, we broaden each other’s horizon.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.

Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit.

 Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances, if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

 A friend rekindles our light when it has gone out, ignites our excitement, and inspires us to do better and more. A real friend may even inspire you in a way you never imagined you could be. They may wake you up to all of the possibilities that live within you and help you to realise your full potential.

Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.

There comes that mysterious meeting in life when someone acknowledges who we are and what we can be, igniting the circuits of our highest potential.

 A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it to you when you have forgotten the words.

A true friend is the gift that keeps on giving. 

With thanks to Abigail Brenner MD https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201605/the-importance-friends

Setting A Positive New Year "Wish List"

Wishing you a happy, healthy, successful New Year.

Sticking to New Year resolutions can be difficult. Whether you plan to stop eating sugar, run a marathon or save money, how many times have you made New Year’s resolutions and found that a couple of days, weeks or months later your good intentions are impossible to keep?

You certainly will not be alone, but rather than setting resolutions that do not make you  happy or quickly start to feel unachievable, why not create a ‘wish list’ of experiences or things you would like to do.

Here is a handy guide on making New Year’s resolutions you actually want to keep and how to set  achievable goals.  It will be more fun! 

Reflect On The Past Year

New Year’s resolutions originate from our Roman ancestors who celebrated Janus, the god of beginnings on 1 January, when people reflected on the past year and looked to the year ahead and exchanged promises, gifts and blessings.

Do as the Romans did and take a moment to reflect on the past year. Find a quiet space and jot down five things that stand out as positive experiences in your year.

Next, write down five things that you feel less positively about. These can be small moments or major life events, but looking back helps us move forwards and is a helpful way to start considering what you would like to achieve in the new year.

Small Steps

One of the reasons many people do not keep their resolutions is that they set themselves goals that are so big they often feel unattainable.

For example, rather than declaring you are going to run a marathon, when you have not run since school, why not set yourself the goal of running a 5K or 10K and build towards your goal in small steps. This is less likely to be as daunting or require such a big time commitment that you are tempted to stop.

If you still want to achieve your marathon dreams why not go for that the following year?

Keeping a diary of your progress is a useful way to help you stay on track and see how far you have come. Enlisting the support of friends and family by explaining what you are trying to achieve is another good way to help you stick to your goal.

Create Your 2019 Wish List

While in the past you may have failed to continue with resolutions that involved self-denial, going into the new year why not create a ‘wish list’ of all of the things you would like to do in 2019 instead.

Before starting, take a look at your list of highs and lows of last year and then start writing down everything you would like to do in the new year.

Do not hold back, write everything down. Your wish list can include epic things, such as travelling to Peru, climbing Mount Fuji, writing a book, to simple everyday things that make you happy. Such as going to the cinema once a month, reading the book you have always wanted to read or going for a daily walk in your lunch break.

Whatever you would like to see, do, learn or visit, write it down and then as the year progresses see how many you can tick off your list.

When you come the end of 2019, you might be surprised by how much you have achieved.

WIth thanks to https://www.calmmoment.com/wellbeing/how-to-make-positive-new-years-resolutions-and-set-goals-for-2018/

Christmas Blessings

I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas.

My Christmas blessings for you are:

• Happiness
May the new year be filled with endless 

joy and laughter, together with the
ones that you love,

• Abundance
May 2019 be the year where all of you
hopes and dreams materialise.

• Prosperity
May you achieve the success and
financial independence that you
desire in all aspects of your life

• Fulfilment
To do what you are truly passionate
about is the greatest blessing

Finally, I want to thank you for
being such an awesome reader.

It has been a pleasure to be part of
your life this year.. 

As a special thank you I have secured
a special gift for you.

Enjoy your festive season