But sometimes that need takes centre stage, and what others think about us takes on more importance than what we think about ourselves.
We may analyse each look and word that comes our way, for clues that we have been judged and found acceptable or lacking. Someone passing in the hall without a hello may leave us red-faced and convinced we do not deserve to be noticed. We may people please, always putting others first, which leaves us open to being taken advantage of while we chase praise. We may exhaust ourselves trying to be cool, hardworking, attractive, or successful enough to feel valued.
What is behind this anxiety about being liked, and why are some of us so much more vulnerable to it than others?
In many cases, it is a type of echo from the past. At some point in our lives, something or someone may have made connection and affection seem conditional, something we have to fight for and do not really deserve. A sense of shame develops as we inevitably fall short of perfection. Author Brené Brown, who has spent her career studying shame and the ways in which we can develop what she calls “shame" resilience writes of this in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: “Healthy striving is self-focused: ‘How can I improve?’ Perfectionism is other-focused: ‘What will they think?’”
Perhaps your childhood caregivers were emotionally distant, physically or verbally abusive, or set impossible standards. Perhaps you were bullied at school or you felt as though you never measured up in our competitive comparison culture.
Or maybe you cannot pinpoint an explanation. You just know you feel insecure and unworthy, and that leads you to count on others for reassurance that you matter and belong.
To be sure, wanting to be thought of positively is not a bad thing. We all need a little awareness of how others view us to keep balanced and attuned to how we affect others. But too much concern about what people think can lead us to value only what others want from us, rather than what we desire and need. And the irony is that what starts out as an effort to ensure our happines and acceptance, can end up doing the opposite.
Creating a New Mindset
If you recognise that you are someone who is anxious about being liked, there are steps you can take to get back to a healthier relationship with others and with yourself.
Keep Things In Perspective
It is said that people would care a lot less about what others think about them if they knew how little others think about them. And it is true: Everyone has enough to occupy their mind. They also have their own insecurities. If you are worried about how you come across to someone you have just met, keep in mind that they are probably doing the same.
Question Your Thinking
Humans tend toward cognitive distortions, patterns of negative thinking that can hurt our mood or behaviour. For example, we may assume the worst, or filter out the good in a situation and pay attention only to the bad. Or we may overgeneralise or jump to conclusions. Pay attention to your thoughts, and question them rather than allowing impressions to run away with you. You may discover that what you are fretting over exists only in your mind.
Let Go Of Perfection
It can be hard to shake the feeling that if you just get things right, you will be loved and admired. But this is a fruitless pursuit, not only because perfection is an illusion, but because what people think about you has more to do with them than with you.
Get To Know Yourself
What do you really like? What do you really want? Are you making choices about your career, relationship and pastimes because you want them or because they will please or impress someone else? Allow yourself to try new things and wonder, “What would I pursue or enjoy if I was not so worried about being judged?”
Find Your Tribe
Somewhere out there are people who can identify with you and appreciate you for who you are. Do not waste time trying to hang on to those who expect you to conform to their wishes and wants. Cultivate authenticity, and you will find those you are meant to be with. As Brown writes in Daring Greatly, “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
Allow Yourself To Be Vulnerable
It can be terrifying to go against the grain, speak out, take a risk, or face disapproval. But decide what matters to you, trust yourself, and go for it. We do not grow by always playing it safe, we grow by allowing ourselves a chance to fail.
Accept A Helping Hand
The anxiety you feel about what others think can sometimes be overcome with a little self-awareness. But in some cases, especially for those with underlying trauma or mental health issues, professional help can help you get to the root of your feelings. Allow yourself to reach out for the care you need rather than prolonging your suffering.
Be Your Own Friend
It is a tough reality, but you will never be able to make everyone like you, no matter what you do. But look on the bright side, no one else can do it, either. So accept the twinges that will inevitably come when you realise you have not made a connection with someone, and focus instead on a goal that will take you further toward being the kind of person you want to be by learning to like yourself, flaws and all.
No comments:
Post a Comment