It has been a while.....
We have all heard that laughter is the best medicine, and it is true. Laughter relieves stress, elevates mood, and makes you more resilient. But it is also good for your relationships. Laughter brings people closer together, creates intimacy, and serves as a powerful tool for managing conflict and reducing tension when emotions are running high. Whether with a romantic partner, friends and family, or co-workers, you can learn to use humour to smooth over disagreements, lower everyone’s stress level, and communicate in a way that strengthens and deepens your relationships.
The Role of Laughter in Relationships
Humour plays an important role in all kinds of relationships. In new relationships, humour can be an effective tool not just for attracting the other person, but also for overcoming any awkwardness that arises during the process of getting to know one another. In established relationships, it can keep things exciting, fresh, and vibrant. Humour can also help you get past conflicts, disagreements, and the tiny aggravations that can build up over time and wreck even the strongest of bonds.
Sharing the pleasure of humour creates a sense of intimacy and connection between two people. Qualities that define solid, successful relationships. When you laugh with one another, you create a positive bond between you. This bond acts as a strong buffer against stress, disagreements, disappointments, and bad patches in a relationship. And laughter really is contagious, just hearing someone laugh primes you to smile and join in the fun.
Laughter can help:
Form a stronger bond with other people. Your health and happiness depend, to a large degree, on the quality of your relationships, and laughter binds people together.
Smooth over differences. Using gentle humour often helps you address even the most sensitive issues, such as sex or in-laws.
Diffuse tension. A well timed joke can ease a tense situation and help you resolve disagreements.
Overcome problems and setbacks. A sense of humour is the key to resilience. It helps you take hardships in your stride, weather disappointment, and bounce back from adversity and loss.
Put things into perspective: Most situations are not as bleak as they appear when looked at from a playful and humourous point of view. It can also help you reframe problems that might otherwise seem overwhelming and damage a relationship.
Be more creative. Humour and playfulness can loosen you up, energise your thinking, and inspire you.
Use Laughter to Manage and Diffuse Conflict
Conflict is an inevitable part of all relationships. It may take the form of major discord between the two of you or simply petty aggravations that have built up over time. Either way, how you manage conflict can often determine the success of your relationship.
When conflict and disagreement throw a wrench into your relationship, humor and playfulness can help lighten the tension and restore a sense of connection. Used respectfully, a little lighthearted humour can quickly turn conflict and tension into an opportunity for shared fun and intimacy. It allows you to get your point across without getting the other person’s defenses up or hurting their feelings.
Humour is not a miracle cure for conflicts, but it can be an important tool to help you overcome the rough spots that afflict every relationship from time to time. Humour free of hurtful sarcasm or ridicule neutralises conflict by helping you:
Interrupt the power struggle, instantly easing tension and allowing you to reconnect and regain perspective.
Be more spontaneous. Shared laughter and play helps you break free from rigid ways of thinking and behaving, allowing you to see the problem in a new way and find a creative solution.
Be less defensive. In playful settings, we hear things differently and can tolerate learning things about ourselves that we otherwise might find unpleasant or even painful.
Let go of inhibitions. Laughter opens us up, freeing us to express what we truly feel and allowing our deep, genuine emotions to rise to the surface.
Manage Conflict with Humour
Like any tool, humour can be used in negative as well as positive ways. Making snide, hurtful remarks, for example, then criticising the other person for not being able to take a joke will create even more problems and ultimately damage a relationship.
Humour can only help you overcome conflict when both parties are in on the joke. It is important to be sensitive to the other person. If your partner, co-worker, family member, or friend is not likely to appreciate the joke, do not say or do it, even if it is “all in good fun.” When the joking is one-sided rather than mutual, it undermines trust and goodwill and can damage the relationship.
Humour should be equally fun and enjoyable for everyone involved. If others do not think your joking or teasing is funny, stop immediately. Before you start playing around, take a moment to consider your motives, as well as the other person’s state of mind and sense of humour.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Do you feel calm, clear-headed, and connected to the other person?
Is your true intent to communicate positive feelings, or are you taking a dig, expressing anger, or laughing at the other person’s expense?
Will the joke be understood and appreciated?
Be aware of the emotional tone of the nonverbal messages you are sending. Are you giving off positive, warm signals or a negative, hostile tone?
Are you sensitive to the nonverbal signals the other person is sending? Do they seem open and receptive to your humour, or closed-off and offended?
Be willing and able to back off if the other person responds negatively to the joke.
If you say or do something that offends, is it easy for you to immediately apologise?
Do not use Laughter to cover up other Emotions
Homour helps you stay resilient in the face of life’s challenges. But there are times when humour is not healthy and that is when it is used as a cover for avoiding, rather than coping with, painful emotions. Laughter can be a disguise for feelings of hurt, fear, anger, and disappointment that you do not want to feel or know how to express.
You can be funny about the truth, but covering up the truth is not funny. When you use humour and playfulness as a cover for other emotions, you create confusion and mistrust in your relationships.
If Humour is being used to Conceal other Emotions, ask yourself:
Is the joke at another person or group’s expense? Does it tear down and divide, rather than build up and unite?
Are you truly trying to share a mutual laugh, or do you have another agenda, getting a criticism in, putting the other person in their place, proving that you are in the right?
Do you often use humour to put yourself down? There is nothing wrong with good-naturedly poking fun at yourself, but frequent self-disparaging jokes may be a defense mechanism for low self-esteem and insecurity.
Is humour your default, even in serious situations that call for sensitivity and maturity? Have you been told by more than one person that your jokes are inappropriate or ill-timed?
Do other people take you seriously? Or do they see you as a clown, maybe good for a laugh, but not someone to depend on in difficult times?
Develop a Smarter Sense of Humour
Some find it easier than others to use humour, especially in tense situations. If your efforts are not going over well, the following tips may help.
Monitor nonverbal cues. If someone is not enjoying your attempts at humour, you will be able to tell from their body language. Does their smile seem fake or forced? Are they leaning away from you or leaning towards you, encouraging you to continue?
Avoid mean-spirited humour. It may work for some comedians on stage, but used one-on-one, it will not only fall flat but may also damage your relationship. Saying something hurtful or insulting, even when framed as a joke, may alienate the other person and weaken the bond between you.
Create inside jokes. An inside joke is something that only the two of you understand. It can often be reduced to a word or short phrase that reminds you both of a funny incident or amusing story, and is usually guaranteed to generate a smile or laugh from the other person. When two people are the only ones “in” on the joke, it can create intimacy and draw you together.
It is Safe to Start with Self Depracating Humour
If you are uncomfortable with making lighthearted banter or cracking jokes, or you struggle to know what is appropriate in any given situation, start by using self-deprecating humour. We all love people who do not take themselves too seriously and are able to gently poke fun at their own failings. After all, we are all flawed and make mistakes. So if you are having a bad hair day or you have just spilled coffee over yourself, make a joke about it. Even if the joke falls flat or comes out wrong, the only person you risk offending is yourself.
Once you are comfortable making jokes about yourself, you can broaden your range to include other types of humour.
Tap into your Playful Side
Do you find it hard to joke around or loosen up? Maybe you do not think you are funny. Or maybe you are self-conscious and concerned about how you will look and sound to others.
Fearing rejection or ridicule when attempting humour is an understandable fear, but it is important to point out that you do not need to be a comedian in order to use humour to manage conflict. The point is not to impress or entertain the other person, but simply to lighten the mood and defuse tension. So do not be afraid to simply goof around and act silly like a kid. It can lower the other person’s defenses, putting you both in a more positive state of mind that is conducive to smoothing over differences.
Reclaim your Inner Playfulness
It is never too late to develop and embrace your playful, lighthearted side. If you are uncomfortable letting go, just remember that as a baby, you were naturally playful. You did not worry about the reactions of other people. You can relearn this quality.
Start by identifying the things you enjoy that border on fun or playful. For example, you may like to:
- Tell or listen to jokes
- Watch funny movies or TV shows
- Dance around to cheesy music when you are alone
- Sing playfully in the shower
- Daydream
- Read the funny pages/comic strips
After you recognise playful things you already enjoy, you can try to incorporate them into your relationships. The important thing is to find enjoyable activities that loosen you up and help you embrace your playful nature with other people. The more you joke, play, and laugh the easier it becomes.
Practise with the Experts
Play with animals. Puppies, kittens, and other animals, both young and old are eager playmates and always ready to frolic. Volunteer to care for pets at a shelter or rescue group. Stop to play with a friendly animal in your neighborhood, or consider getting a pet of your own.
Play with babies and young children. The real authorities in human play are children, especially young children. Playing with children who know and trust you is a wonderful way to get back in touch with your playful side.
Interact playfully with customer service people. Most people in the service industry are social and you will find that many will welcome playful banter. Try your wit out on a friendly cashier, receptionist, waiter, hostess, or salesperson.
As humour and play become an integrated part of your life, you will begin to find daily opportunities for using your newfound skills to help maintain your relationships and manage conflict.
With thanks to Lawrence Robinson, Jeanne Segal Ph.D., and Melinda Smith M.A.
