Actions Speak Louder Than Words

The parent makes the rules and then routinely breaks them. The leader just asked everyone to scale back and then spends like there is no tomorrow. The politician says, “Trust me,” but we quickly learn that his promises are empty. The truth is, talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.

Why do people say one thing and then do another, make promises one second only to break them minutes later, say they care when it is so obvious they could not care less?

Can they not see the potential damage to their credibility? Why would they torpedo a relationship that has taken them a lifetime to build? Do they not realise they are undermining their chances for success? The next time they say something, people may doubt what they say or second-guess their intentions, simply because they are no longer trusted. No one is going to stand up and shout, “You just lost my trust and respect!” but the silence will be deafening

Some people may say it is not a big deal, everyone does it. No one is watching anyway, people do not really care. Well, I am here to tell you they are sadly mistaken!

You send a message with what you say AND what you do. If words are not supported with consistent actions, they will ring hollow. Someone once said, “Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.”

Here are some examples of people who live by the philosophy, “Do As I Say, Not As I Do.”

All Talk, No Action

The emperor is all talk, no action. Like the emperor’s new clothes, everything is centred on the show rather than substance. He talks a good game, but do not expect any action or follow up from this empty suit.

The politician will say anything to win your vote of confidence; this person is great with words but do not ask for accountability. Once this opportunist gets what she wants, she is nowhere to be found.

The hypocrites are so full of empty words that even they do not believe what they are saying. Forget action on their part. They have a hard enough time keeping their own stories straight.

The drifters have no backbone. They make statements one minute and change their positions the next. If it seems that these people are confused or evasive, it is because they are.

The professor speaks eloquently about theory, but that is where it ends. Action? That thought never crossed their mind. Friedrich Engels had it right when he said, “An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory.”

The zombie is so oblivious to reality he does not even realise that his words are out of step with his actions. It only takes someone else to shine a bright light on this fellow to expose his insincerity.

Actions Matter: Do As I Do, Not As I Say

Whether you are a leader motivating the “troops,” a role model influencing your “fans,” or a parent showing that you care, it is critical to send straightforward messages. If your words are not consistent with your actions, you are not only confusing the listener, you may also be causing irreparable damage to your own credibility.

Your reputation reflects the words AND actions that you send during the life of a relationship. In the early stages of a relationship, we extend ourselves in small ways and observe responses to our actions. Then we take appropriate action, engaging further or withdrawing a bit each time, until a level of trust is formed. Once we get to know someone, we look for regular and consistent patterns of behaviour because the more predictable people are, the more comfort we have with them.

We ask ourselves: “Do they feel strongly about their beliefs one day and abandon them the next?” “Do they expect others to live by one set of rules while they live by another?” “Do they make promises only to break them?”

When you “walk the talk,” your behaviour becomes a catalyst for people’s trust and faith in you. And it also emphasises what you stand for.

The bottom line is simply this: Trust is not guaranteed, and it cannot be won overnight. Trust must be carefully developed, vigorously nurtured, and constantly reinforced. And, although trust may take a long time to develop, it can be lost through a single action, once lost, it can be very difficult to re-establish.

So, any time you make a claim, no matter how small, and display inconsistent behaviour, you shatter the comfort zone, and weaken your bond of trust with others. As a result, anything thought to be predictable in the future may be treated as suspect. The fact is, everything you do in life sends a message. So, make sure to practice what you preach. As Ben Franklin said, “Well done is better than well said.”

With thanks to Frank Sonnenberg http://www.franksonnenbergonline.com/blog/actions-speak-louder-than-words/

Seize Every Opportunity

Opportunity. We all love that word. It is a word that inspires hope, as well as something we can wish upon to make our lives better. It is a single event that will smash into us, enlighten us, and take us away on its fluffy feathered wings, where we will live happily ever after. Unfortunately, that is not the case for most of us.

What Are Opportunities? 

Real opportunities are like the sale's person who knocks on our door, or call us whilst we are eating dinner at night. We do not want to open the door because we are irritated, we think we know how it is going to pan out, or we are too scared to say ‘no’ when they ask us a question.

Real opportunities are the ones that we do not immediately see. They come by at the most unexpected, mostly inopportune, times. We are so obsessed with other distractions or our own opinions that we normally miss the majority of opportunity that falls across our path.

When we do see opportunities, we treat them the same way as we treat the inappropriate sales person, with disdain and a bad attitude. Our attitude when opportunity presents itself determines whether that opportunity will make our lives better.

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison

 How many times have you been offered a new job, invited to go out on a date, or even to go skydiving? How many times have you said no? Probably more times than you have said yes.

Spark An Idea

All of these occurrences are opportunities. The opportunity to experience something new, something different, something more.  You would never ask someone else out on a date, or go skydiving by yourself, ok, maybe you would, but it would not be as unexpected, or awesome.

Would you not like to experience more, earn more money, or simply be happier? We all want that, but are not necessarily ready to take the risks by ourselves. Sometimes we have not even thought about doing something until someone or something prompts us.

That prompt initiates the spark of an idea in our heads where it eventually barrels through into our forethought like an avalanche. Sometimes it can take months to gather the courage to go for it, sometimes it is only a matter of seconds.

Take A Chance

We need to become "yes" people (well almost). Say yes when you perceive these prompts. Say yes to new life. Say yes to experience. Do not say yes to everything, though, saying yes to every opportunity will burn you out completely. Trust your gut, it will take you down the path that is right for you.

Taking opportunities can be scary, some of them definitely are. To achieve anything in life, we need to take a chance. The beauty of taking chances, is that anything can happen. You might fall, get hurt, or be embarrassed, but what if you could experience something that is completely mind blowing and changes your life forever.

Stop And Think

The next time someone makes a job offer, invites you to a social event or offers you a free ticket to visit a new country stop and think. Your usual answer is ‘no’, but what if this time you say ’yes’. This time, go forth with the intention to learn, to experience, to enjoy.

“I’d rather have a life of ‘oh wells’ than ‘what ifs’.” – Unknown

Know vs Wonder 

When I think back over the chances I have taken when opportunity presented itself, I am content in the knowledge that I know what it feels like to live in different countries; I know what it means to say "yes" when I was asked for my hand in marriage; and I know how to handle high pressure situations at the office.

I am happy I took those opportunities rather than forever wondering what it would be like to live in another country, or  wonder if I have what it takes to handle pressure.

By taking opportunities you can change your wondering to knowing. You can feel at ease knowing that you at least tried, knowing that you at least took the chance of the opportunity, not knowing what the outcome may be.

“Not trying is the only true failure.” – Unknown

Is there an opportunity knocking at your door? Go answer it with the intention of saying ‘yes’ or if opportunity does not knock build a door. Never let an opportunity slip through your fingers.

With thanks to Terence Brown https://motivationgrid.com/take-advantage-opportunities-life/#

Always Follow The Golden Rule

• What you do not want done to yourself. Do not do to others - Confucious
• Do you remember The Golden Rule?
• “Treat others how you want to be treated.”
• This saying goes far beyond simply being kind to people, or going out of your way to be available or helpful to those in need. Yes, you would want others to assist you in a bind or be pleasant even in an unfavourable circumstance. But there are many ways to create equality in your world that may go completely unnoticed by others. It is really just about adjusting your views and attitudes.
• Instead of just treating others the way you would want to be treated, think about others the way you would want to be thought of. Feel about others the way you would want others to feel about you. Speak to others the way you would want to be spoken to or spoken of.

• Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

• Focus less on punishing those who cross you or others and choose to guide them into a better frame of mind. Teach them not only the error of their ways, but the error in their thinking. This is not a lesson in condescension, or even conversion, but a way to understand the progression from thought to action. If someone believes they are doing the right thing by trying to control another or become invasive in another's life, first try to understand how that person feels their actions will get them from a desire to a result. Then, help them evaluate the consequences and perhaps choose a better way to achieve their goals and consider the goals of others. Always be open to seeing the other side as well, you may learn something.

• Speak to and of others how you would like to be spoken to, and about

• We all talk about other people, but assigning roles to those in our lives and trying to cast a melodrama is unnecessary. (Although it occurs frequently.) Everyone is multifaceted and cannot be fit into the box we would like to crop them into. When you retell a story, make sure to tell the unabridged, objective version, where all the characters have depth and empathy. Do not speak disparagingly about someone just because you disapprove of them.

• Feel about others how you would have them feel about you

• Holding onto harsh feelings will only harm you and make you hardened to feeling love and compassion. Whether or not you bear responsibility in another’s harsh feelings toward you, knowing these feelings remain is unpleasant. Especially if you feel they are unjust.

• Think of others the way you would like to be thought of

• Refrain from thinking, or speaking, pityingly of someone. particularly if you feel you are better off than they are. Things may seem disparate, but just as you may feel this way, others may think they are in a better position than you. Thinking of yourself as superior, more or better than another is not a beneficial way of thinking. Given or received. If you would like to help someone you think is less fortunate, do it from love, not pity.

• • Make an effort to respect even the unrespectable

  • Find something in a person or experience that was positive or beneficial and focus on that. There are inevitably circumstances in which you were made out to be the bad guy, and others made no effort to respect your role in the matter, or went out of their way to demolish your integrity or reputation. Do not follow in the same order, even if you feel it is just or deserved. You do not know what goes on in the mind of another or what motivates another’s actions. All you can do is take responsibility for your response to this situation, and choose to show ultimate compassion and respect when it is hard to find. Not only will this make you a better person, it will show others your true integrity and make it nearly impossible to doubt yours if it is threatened or attacked in the future. It may even redeem it in the past.
  • Always make a conscious effort to see everyone in your life as equal. We have all come across certain people, generally of a particular faith or non-faith, who make clear through their conversations with you, and about others, that they feel a distinct superiority to others who disagree with their ideology. In the conversations you will have admittedly discovered that you do not appreciate being looked down on, by believers and nonbelievers alike. So decide not to look down on anybody, or try to convert anybody to any ideology. Simply sit and talk with people, ask questions, listen to different schools of thought, and share your wisdom as you see fit. You will learn to enjoy conversations as a way to connect, instead of using them to push your agenda.
  • Even the Messiah sat down and ate dinner with the sinners. And if only in your mind, you can do the same. Whether others treat you with kindness and compassion has no bearing on how you treat them. Become the compassion and respect you want to receive. It is easy for someone to be nasty to you if you are nasty to them. Do not give them that chance. Make it hard for people not to see you in the radiant light you portray. Make them work to hate you, disrespect you or be ugly toward you. Make it easy for them to love you, respect you, and see you as the magnificent being you are.
  • With thanks to Georgia Lee https://familyshare.com/1885/the-golden-rule-treat-others-how-you-want-to-be-treated

Stand Up For Your Beliefs

• None of us are perfect. We all need tolerance from others. However, although we may love someone, we do not need to be a party to their choices or behaviours that give us pause. We can and should stand up for what we believe, even at the risk of standing alone.
• But how do we understand the difference between being kind and being permissive? How do we know that we need to stop shrugging off intolerance and instead stand our ground? How do we express our convictions without becoming unkind or judgmental?
• Avoid Extremes
• • All virtues, when exaggerated, transform into vices. This is even true of tolerance. When we relax our principles too much, our families can end up in situations that are against our moral code, making us feel uncomfortable, anxious and even violated. On the other hand, when we refuse to exercise tolerance, we become abrasive, judgmental and uncharitable.
  • Tolerance does not mean putting aside mercy, forgiveness or open-mindedness. Tolerance reconciles disagreement with charity. A quote attributed to Aristotle states “it is a mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” Let prayer, empathy and your conscience guide you to that appropriate middle ground.
  • Know Your Values and Where They Come From
  • • If your convictions stem from bitterness, a dogma that you take for granted or simply following the crowd, it is time to take a long hard look at them. Our past experiences ought to guide us to have greater empathy as well as a firmer sense of right and wrong.
    • On the other hand, remember there is nothing wrong with having convictions. Increasingly, it seems that principled living is regarded as intolerant. There is such a thing as right and wrong, but asserting that fact requires tact, patience, and above all, charity.
    • Make It About Love
    • We can still love people when we disagree with their choices. Keeping grounded on that fact helps us to create distance between our feelings and our actions. Tolerance lives in that space in between. Being kind to someone you do not see eye-to-eye with is not being fake; it is being mature. So be gentle when you disagree. Furthermore, do not undermine your charitable impulses by making up people’s stories for them. If you do not know why someone has the opinions they do, be content with not knowing instead of inventing something that justifies your point of view. The people you care about need you to support and defend them, not criticise.
    • Keep Your Audience In Mind
    • • When discussing an issue you feel strongly about, avoid emotionally charged tactics, such as metaphors that suggest any sort of dehumanisation. Instead, you might try explaining the unique benefits of your chosen point of view. Naturally, we want to be kind in the delivery of our disagreement. There is no place for coldness, name-calling or condescension in our rhetoric. Instead, we ought to ask questions so that we can understand the other side and look at the big picture.
      • In her novel Mansfield Park, Jane Austen states, “We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be.” Each person has a conscience, and with it comes a sense of which behaviours are hurtful and destructive, either to themselves or to others. Even things that only seem to concern one person still affect families and society. Therefore, it is essential that we understand the difference between being merciful and turning a blind eye to dangerous behaviours that affect our loved ones and homes.
      • With thanks to Sara Hagmann https://familyshare.com/2179/standing-up-for-what-you-believe

Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice

The expression “you are your own worst enemy” rings true for most of us. How many times have we acted against our self-interest, then asked ourselves why did we self-destruct? Why did we say that to a loved one? Why did we procrastinate on that project? Why have we stopped doing that one thing that makes us feel great? Self sabotaging thoughts and behaviours are perpetuated by an inner critic we all possess. 

The critical inner voice does not represent a positive sense of self that you can entrust in. Rather, it epitomizes a cruel anti self, a part inside us that is turned against us. It casts doubt on our abilities, undermines our desires, and convinces us to be paranoid and suspicious toward ourselves and those close to us. This anti-self fills our mind with critical self-analysis and self-sabotaging thoughts that lead us to hold back or steer away from our true goals.

Where Self Sabotaging Thoughts Come From

Our critical inner voice is formed from our early life experiences. Without realising it, we tend to internalise attitudes that were directed toward us by our parents or influential caretakers throughout our development. For example, if our parent saw us as lazy, we may grow up feeling useless or ineffective. We may then engage in self sabotaging thoughts that tell us not to try, i.e.“Why bother? You will never succeed anyway. You just do not have the energy to get anything done”

n a similar manner, children can internalise negative thoughts that their parents or early caretakers have toward themselves.  If we grew up with a self-hating parent, who often viewed themselves as weak or a failure, we may grow up with similar self sabotaging attitudes toward ourselves. For instance, if our parent felt critical of their appearance, we may take on similar insecurities without realising it. We may feel easily self-conscious and less sure of ourselves in social or public situations.

We cannot change the past. Yet, as adults, we can identify the self sabotaging thoughts that we have internalised and consciously choose to act against them. When we fall victim to our critical inner voice and listen to its directives, we often engage in self limiting or self sabotaging behaviours that hurt us in our daily lives. You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life work on the mind. That is the only thing you should be trying to control.”

How To Stop Engaging In Self Sabotaging Behaviour

Once we know where our self sabotaging thoughts come from, we can start to differentiate from the negative identity we have cast upon ourselves. We can familiarise ourselves with our critical inner voice and notice when it starts to seep into our thought process. As we do this, we can start to recognise ways we act that we do not like or respect. For example, if we often feel embarrassed or ashamed and, as a consequence, hold ourselves back socially, we can start to push ourselves to be more outward and open.

Changing these self sabotaging behaviours will make us anxious, because it means challenging deeply ingrained, old and familiar attitudes that we have long held about ourselves. Differentiating from these behaviors is essential to leading happy lives. 

There are four steps involved in differentiation.

Step one involves separating from the destructive attitudes (critical inner voices) we internalise based on painful early life experiences. The second step requires us to separate from the negative traits of our parents or influential caretakers that we have taken on as our own. The third step involves challenging the destructive defenses or adaptations we made to the pain we experienced growing up. These adaptations may have helped us in childhood but, very often, hurt us as adults. For instance, if we were used to being let down or rejected as children, we may have formed a defense that shuts us off from wanting or expecting much from others. Though this lowering our expectations may seem to help cushion us from getting hurt as kids, this same defense can keep us from trusting or getting close to someone as adults.

The fourth and final step of differentiation asks us to develop our very own sense of our unique values, ideals and beliefs. Once we have separated from the negative overlays from our past, we can uncover who we really are. We can stop self sabotaging behaviours and choose the person we want to be.

How We Wind Up In Self Sabotaging Relationships

The defenses and critical inner voices that we carry over time often lead us to recreate dynamics from our early life into our adult life. We tend to play out negative, old behavioural patterns with the people we get close to. We often form self sabotaging relationships by indulging in our critical inner voices and failing to challenge our core defenses.

For example, if we felt abandoned as a child, we may have the tendency to become insecure in our adult relationships. We may hear “voices” toward ourselves like, “How can you trust her? She is just going to leave you. Be careful and do not let yourself get close to her.” If we had a parent who acted overbearing or intrusive, we may feel easily suffocated by our romantic partner. We may hear voices like, “He is too needy. Can he not just leave me alone? You are better off on your own. You just cannot handle being close.”

Our critical inner voices encourage us to act out our defenses in all areas of our lives, but most often in our closest relationships. They often hold us back from getting what we really want, instilling fears in us that we will be hurt in the same ways we were hurt as children. We may even choose partners who play into these old dynamics, recreating past scenarios that help us maintain a negative identity we have long held.

Getting to know our patterns can help us to avoid self sabotaging relationships. We can start to act against our inner critic and break from defenses that no longer serve us well today. Facing our past is an important part of this process. Once we familiarise ourselves with our defenses, we can differentiate from self sabotaging behaviours and live a more liberated life, in which we are more powerful and much more in control of our own destiny.

With thanks to the Gendon Association https://www.psychalive.org/self-sabotaging/