Wednesday 28 June 2017

Solitude Is Good For Your Health

Eighty five percent of Americans believe it is important to have times when they are completely alone and away from anyone else, according to a recent Pew survey. Another 55 percent believe this is very important while 30 percent say it is somewhat important.
This desire for occasional solitude gives your body and, perhaps more importantly, your mind space and time to just be in the moment, experiencing it with your full attention and focus. It turns out alone time of this sort is highly rewarding.
If you have ever hesitated to spend time alone, perhaps believing you will not enjoy it, a recent study found that people have just as good a time engaging in fun activities alone as they do when they are with others. The only down side came when the loners worried about how they would look to others, perhaps appearing they had no one to spend time with.
This latter issue is easily overcome by positive thinking and directing your focus to your activities at hand and the enjoyment it brings. However, aside from enjoyment, spending time alone offers may additional benefits.
The Benefits Of Alone Time
What do you stand to gain simply from spending some “me time” alone? CNN recently compiled numerous benefits
Boost Creativity
Even though brainstorming is often promoted as the best way to gather ideas, research shows that people who work alone and later pool their ideas actually come up with far more ideas.
Work Harder and More Efficiently
Working alone can also prompt you to work more intensely and efficiently, as you know it is up to you to finish the task and do it well. In a group setting, most people believe they have to put in less effort since more people are involved.
Restore Your Energy
This is especially relevant to introverts, who feel social interactions zap their energy. Spending time alone gives you time to recharge your batteries, in a sense, so you can go back into the social scene feeling refreshed and at the top of your game.
Meet New People
Ironically, spending time doing activities alone is actually a great opportunity to meet others who share your interests. When you are alone, you are far more likely to interact with people around you, including those you may not have struck up a conversation with had you been in other company.
Boost Your Mood, Particularly in Teens
For teens, spending some time in solitude had a “positive after effect on emotional state,” and those who spent an intermediate amount of their time alone were better adjusted than those who spent either a little or a great deal of time alone.
The researchers concluded that solitude in adolescence can have a constructive role in daily life and offers “a strategic retreat that complements social experience.
Clear Your Mind
Spending time alone helps your mind to process information and offers time for reflection. As reported by CNN.
"‘Constantly being 'on' does not give your brain a chance to rest and replenish itself,’ Sherrie Bourg Carter, Psy.D. wrote in Psychology Today. Being by yourself with no distractions gives you the chance to clear your mind, focus, and think more clearly. It is an opportunity to revitalise your mind and body at the same time.
Do What You Want
When you are alone, you can spend the day doing whatever it is you want, without worrying about others desires. So if you love to hike but your partner does not, going alone gives you a chance to do something you love, which we all deserve on a regular basis.
Why Some People Look Forward To Their Commute
Long commutes can be dangerous for your health in that they add additional sitting time to your day and can be quite stressful, especially if you are in heavy traffic. However, a recent Australian study found that some people actually look forward to their commutes because it provides an opportunity for alone time. According to the report:
For many commuters, the journey to and from work is a necessary transition time between home and work. Some participants even described how they would actually extend their journeys in time by waiting somewhere along the route or travelling a different way.
For some, the commute home was a valuable opportunity to process work related issues that were unwelcome at home. For others, commuting time was a valuable personal time out from responsibilities of both work and home life.
Some participants said this was the only time that they get to be themselves during the week, and so used it to dream, relax, and meditate. A distinctive advantage of public transport is the freedom that it permits for doing things that they see as ‘luxuries.’”
There were downsides to commuting reported in the study as well, but it does shed some light on the continued importance of alone time in people’s lives, even if the only alone time you get is during your morning and evening commute.
What Makes Being Alone Being Healthy Or Harmful? Feeling Lonely
Purposefully spending time alone is quite a different phenomenon than feeling lonely. The former is defined as solitude and is often associated with getting to know your inner self, finding inner peace, and restoring and refreshing your body, mind, and soul.
The latter, loneliness, is a feeling of being disconnected from those around you and wishing you had that connection. While solitude is great for mental health, stress relief, and even building relationships, loneliness is not.
Negative emotions will invariably impact on your physical well-being, and loneliness is no different. Research reveals that feeling lonely raises your blood pressure up to 14 points, with greater increases coming the more years the lonely feelings persists.
 A separate study found that the risk of developing dementia also increased about 51 percent for each one-point increase on a loneliness scale.
What is interesting though, is that brain deposits that normally develop in Alzheimer’s patients were not seen among those who were lonely, indicating that the emotion triggers dementia through a different mechanism, such as higher levels of stress hormones, cancer, or high blood pressure (all of which are more likely to occur in lonely people).
Other studies have also shown that being socially isolated can cause health problems, including weakening your immune system and resulting in sleep dysfunctions.
Further, in what loneliness expert John Cacioppo, a social neuroscientist at the University of Chicago, described as "slowly unfolding pathophysiological processes," his research demonstrated that people who are lonely are more likely to:
Be depressed 
Suffer from alcoholism
Report higher levels of perceived stress
Have fewer positive social interactions
If You Are Lonely, Here Are Tips To Overcome It 
If your “alone time” is not chosen solitude but rather a feeling of loneliness, I recommend trying to build more social relationships by:
Exploring new hobbies and interests that ignite your natural curiosity and passions. Deep friendships naturally form among people with similar interests.
Volunteering or joining a club or organisation in your area. Book clubs, adult sports leagues, holistic moms groups, even food coops can all lead to new relationships.
Making an effort to re-establish old relationships and cultivate new ones. This could be with family you have lost touch with, friends from college, or a new neighbour across the street. The Internet is also an increasingly popular way to meet new people.
Adopting a pet. A dog or cat can provide unconditional love and comfort, and studies show that owning a pet can help protect against loneliness, depression, and anxiety. In fact, dogs are often brought to nursing homes, hospice settings, and hospitals for this very reason.
Meditation May Help You Enjoy Alone Time 
For some people, the thought of completely disconnecting and being alone is a terrifying thought. In fact, when faced with a decision to sit alone in a room for up to 15 minutes or self-administer electric shocks… many chose to receive the shocks. According to the study:
In 11 studies, we found that participants typically did not enjoy spending 6 to 15 minutes in a room by themselves with nothing to do but think, that they enjoyed doing mundane external activities much more, and that many preferred to administer electric shocks to themselves instead of being left alone with their thoughts. Most people seem to prefer to be doing something rather than nothing, even if that something is negative.”
The reason for this is likely because your mind, when left with no distractions, may start to race, focus on negative thoughts, or relive past unpleasant experiences. This is where meditation and positive thinking can be invaluable. The researchers continued:
Research has shown that minds are difficult to control… and it may be particularly hard to steer our thoughts in pleasant directions and keep them there. This may be why many people seek to gain better control of their thoughts with meditation and other techniques, with clear benefits. Without such training, people prefer doing to thinking, even if what they are doing is so unpleasant that they would normally pay to avoid it. The untutored mind does not like to be alone with itself.”
How To Be Alone
If alone time is not a regular part of your day, you may wonder how you can carve out this time… and what, exactly, to do with it. You can use it for whatever you want… exercising, reading, writing, doing hobbies, meditating… anything that gives you joy and a respite from the daily grind. If finding the time to be alone is the more pressing question, here are some simple tips:
Turn off distractions. Your phone, email, and TV can all interrupt your alone time.
Get up early An extra half hour or hour in the morning can provide a quiet time for you to invest in yourself.
Close your door. If you work in an office, close your door, and if necessary, add a sign to it indicating that you do not want to be disturbed.
Use your lunch hour. Take your lunch outside and eat it on a park bench or go for a solo walk.
Schedule it. Whether it is 15 minutes before bed or an entire day once a month, schedule alone time into your calendar so you will  always have time for valuable solitude.




Wednesday 21 June 2017

Embrace Your Uniquiness

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson 
Have you ever felt different, like you do not fit in at all?
Do certain things captivate other people, but leave you struggling to find meaning?
What about the big picture? Maybe you feel you chose the wrong career, or you wonder if you were born into the right family, no one else seems to think the way you do.
Feeling different can be unsettling in a world that values sameness. You can derail your confidence and your progress by demeaning yourself for your differences.
A lot of people feel uncomfortably different most of their lives, out of place, misunderstood, and alone. They always work hard to fit in, fighting a constant, frustrating inner struggle with no tools to help them cope.
Being different, introverted and shy in an extroverted world can be extremely difficult, all the while struggling to fit in and be acknowledged.
The desire to fit can continued throughout your school years, college and beyond. Until finally you realise that you are wasting a lot of time and energy by struggling to fit in.You are denying your uniqueness and your chance to create a truly meaningful life.
By hiding your differences, you are short changing the very reason you were born.
Most of us do not realise that hiding our true nature is devastating to ourselves and to the world.
How We Get Steered Off Course

Subconsciously, we are all searching for true meaning in life. We think of it as trying to find happiness.
Society teaches us we will be happy by following norms that make us the same as others. We are encouraged to seek outside of ourselves rather than connecting inward and being fulfilled by the things we love.
For instance, we learn to:
Seek approval from others 

Compete with each other to get into the best schools and to land and keep the best jobs

Look for partners to give us self worth and complete us

Strive to make money to buy things to make us happy

Do everything to stay looking young, valuing youth more highly than age and wisdom 

With these goals, we are constantly doing rather than being. Time disappears, because we are not embracing life by connecting with our inner being.
We forget who we are. We are not living. We are grasping for an elusive happiness on the outside.
We feel like we have repeatedly found happiness, only to realise that it is temporary. Each time we find it slipping away again, we search to find happiness in some other way.
Embracing our uniqueness and finding true meaning in life will break the pattern.
Take The First Step Towards Freedom

Changing direction requires some upheaval. But this is your life. If temporary discomfort results in discovering your meaning and purpose in life, which leaves you feeling fulfilled, balanced, and happy, is change not worthwhile?
Assess your life to see if you abandoned your own uniqueness just to fit the mold.
Review the five bullet points above. Are you following someone else’s path instead of your own? If so, what would you prefer to do instead? It is never too late to change.
If you are seeking approval or self-worth from others, learn how to find these qualities within yourself. If you are in a career that does not satisfy you, acquire the skills you need to follow your passion.
What are you doing just to fit in? What daily activities feel like drudgery? What responsibilities or tasks do you often put off or even avoid?
A long list is a sure clue that you are not following you passion. Seeking further can help you find true meaning.
Determine What Makes You Unique

We all have a passion—something that makes us light up inside, something we want to do more than anything else. We bring our own uniqueness to our passion. Following it will help us find true meaning in life.
Assessing your uniqueness takes careful thought. Set aside an hour at a time. Longer blocks of time are even better. The key is to feel free to brainstorm because nothing else requires your attention.
Schedule time on your calendar and stick to it.
When it is time, go to a quiet place with purpose. Take a notepad or something to capture your ideas. Do not judge any of your thoughts. Brainstorming means all ideas are of equal value.
You can be selective later. Judging in advance blocks your creativity and you will likely miss something you are suppressing or something new.
Some questions to ask to uncover your uniqueness are:
Which activities cause me to lose track of time?

 What am I always trying to find time to do, even when I only have a few free moments? 

What makes me really happy?

What matters most to me personally?

What are my top five values and why?

Once you have thought through all of your answers to these questions, list each answer on a separate line. Ask yourself what parts of your life feel most and least aligned with your favourite activities, passions and values.
Record and study this information closely to find clarity.
Leverage What You Have Discovered
It is time to follow your heart, honour your uniqueness, and discover your true meaning. Gather your answers and decide how to incorporate this newfound knowledge into your life.
Maybe you uncovered a passion you have always suppressed. 
Seek Further If Your Passion Still Eludes You
Maybe you have squashed your uniqueness for so long that you cannot find your truth. If you have more questions than answers, that is great! That is when it is time to experiment.
Answers can come from many different sources, so cover a lot of ground. When you find clues, you can piece them together to form your plan of action.
Ask others what they do, find books and other resources to read, seek professionals to help you, join a group of likeminded individuals, take a class, or ask the universe. Use your creativity to reach out far and wide. The answers will come.
Start exploring one area that "speaks" to you. Try something creative such as art, theatre, or science. Begin looking for solutions to your biggest problem, or reach out to help someone else. Life holds many right answers. Seeking and finding them is the fun part.
Do not be afraid to go out on a limb with your search. You never know where it might lead you. It is far better to follow your heart and be different than to struggle to try to be the same.
We all have differences in a world that values similarity. When fitting in means suppressing who you are and what you love the most, you miss your opportunity to connect deeply with yourself, to live, shine, find true meaning in life, and offer your unique talents to the world.
By opening your heart and mind and being completely free to explore what matters to you, you will discover who you really are. Next time you find yourself holding back to avoid standing out, realise that you add value to the world.
Never be afraid to follow your passion and blaze new trails. It is important to have faith in the process of life. The trick is to realise and embrace your uniqueness. By doing so, you will be led in the direction you were meant to go.

Wednesday 14 June 2017

Money Does Not Buy Happiness

“Money often costs too much.” ―Ralph Waldo Emerson
Today, in most societies, the pursuit of wealth has become inevitable, almost as if the desire to be rich is already a forgone conclusion in our lives.
The prevailing view is that wealth is good, it should be pursued, and material possessions and riches enhance our enjoyment in life, and that wealth provides opportunity to find greater fulfillment in life.
But the pursuit of riches is based on a faulty premise. It is based on the incorrect rationale that the presence of money is always good, that it always brings benefit into our lives. This is not always the case.
Once our basic needs have been met, money contributes very little to our overall happiness and well-being. But more than that, there are actually a number of inherent dangers in possessing riches. Or maybe, at the very least, there are better things to be than rich. And we would live more fulfilled lives if we began chasing after them with as much intensity as we seek riches.
Consider just this short list of There are Better Things to Be Than Rich:
Content. Contentment is far more valuable than riches because whoever finds contentment is always satisfied. Money comes and goes, sometimes quickly. But contentment rises above our circumstance and offers happiness regardless of our financial state.
Generous. Anything we find that is more than enough creates an immediate opportunity to make others’ lives better.” Our resources can accomplish great things in this world, but not if we keep them to ourselves.
Free.  Often in our pursuit of wealth and bigger bank accounts, we sacrifice freedom. We think riches will provide greater freedom for our lives, but we rarely recognise how much freedom we have actually sacrificed in our attempt to simply find more of it.
Selfless. Choosing to live selfless lives that seek the benefit of others brings meaning, purpose, and lasting impact to our short lives. While living selfish, self-centered lives is neither attractive or fulfilling.
Honest. No compromises, no regrets. Those who desire to be rich fall into temptation and harmful desires. Given the choice, we should choose honesty, integrity, and character any day. It makes laying our head on the pillow each night that much sweeter.
Passionate. It is far greater to have a career and life we love waking up to in the morning, than a high-paying job that brings no satisfaction, provides no positive contribution, and provokes no passion in our day.
Dependent. There is greater security to be found in lasting, trusting relationships than wealth. Dependence on others teaches us this truth. But even more importantly, it also allows us to experience the goodness of other people.
Compassionate. The statistics continue to hold true. The more wealth we obtain, the less compassion and empathy we feel towards those without. And as a result, the less we contribute.
Humble. Wealth often brings with it a certain level of pride, or at least, a more necessary intention to remove prideful tendencies. Sometimes this pride comes from within and sometimes it is encouraged by others. Meanwhile, humility quietly calls us to embrace its hidden power and freedom. It would be a shame to miss it at the expense of riches.
Resourceful. Learning how to live with less is an important pursuit. It teaches us the value of the things right in front of us and forces us to appreciate them even more.
Connected. Riches do not result in deeper relationships. In fact, often times, they have the opposite effect. But intimate, connected relationships continue to provide the joy in our lives money can never produce.
Perseverant. Perseverance is a powerful characteristic that can only be discovered through trials and tribulations. Whilst riches cannot remove every trial in life, they can often remove just enough to keep perseverance from ever taking root in our heart.
Happy. As soon as our basic needs have been met, money contributes very little to our overall happiness and well-being. Gratitude, generosity, and contribution produce far more. And that is the real goal, to live lives of joy and fulfillment and help others to do the same.
Now, please do not misread this. Very wealthy people can also be content, generous, humble and connected. There are many incredibly generous people who could also be described as wealthy. And it does not mean that those without wealth are better simply by the nature of that qualification. 
But the pursuit of riches can lead to great danger. It is not a pursuit to be automatically accepted as the wisest course of action for our lives. In fact, as soon as it is removed, we provide greater opportunity for these better things to be true in our lives. And there are indeed, far better things to be than rich.

Wednesday 7 June 2017

The Healing Power Of Forgiveness

“Forgiveness undoes our own hatred and frees us from a troubled past.”- Christopher Peterson

When another person hurts us it can turn our lives upside down.
Sometimes the hurt is very deep, such as when a spouse or a parent betrays our trust, or when we are victims of crime, or when we have been bullied. Anyone who has suffered a grievous hurt knows that when our inner world is badly disrupted, it is difficult to concentrate on anything other than our turmoil or pain. When we hold on to hurt, we are emotionally and cognitively crippled, and our relationships suffer.
Forgiveness is strong medicine for this. When life hits us hard, there is nothing as effective as forgiveness for healing deep wounds. 
Many people have misconceptions about what forgiveness really means and they may avoid it. Others may want to forgive, but wonder whether or not they truly can. Forgiveness does not necessarily come easily, but, it is possible for many of us to achieve, if we have the right tools and are willing to put in the effort.
Below is an outline of the basic steps involved in following a path of forgiveness. As you read through these steps, think about how you might adapt them to your own life.
Understand Forgiveness and Why it is Important 
Forgiveness is about goodness, about extending mercy to those who have harmed us, even if they do not “deserve” it. It is not about finding excuses for the offending person’s behaviour or pretending it did not happen. Nor is there a quick formula you can follow. Forgiveness is a process with many steps that often proceeds in a non-linear fashion.
But it is well worth the effort. Working on forgiveness can help us increase our self esteem and give us a sense of inner strength and safety. It can reverse the lies that we often tell ourselves when someone has hurt us deeply. Lies like, I am defeated or I am not worthy. Forgiveness can heal us and allow us to move on in life with meaning and purpose. Forgiveness matters, and we will be its primary beneficiary.
Studies have shown that forgiving others produces strong psychological benefits for the one who forgives. It has been shown to decrease depression, anxiety, unhealthy anger, and the symptoms of PTSD. But we do not just forgive to help ourselves. Forgiveness can lead to psychological healing, but, in its essence, it is not something about you or done for you. It is something you extend toward another person, because you recognise, over time, that it is the best response to the situation.
Become "Forgivingly Fit"
To practice forgiveness, it helps if you have worked on positively changing your inner world by learning to become “forgivingly fit.” Just as you would start slowly with a new physical exercise routine, it helps if you build up your forgiving heart muscles slowly, incorporating regular “workouts” into your everyday life.
You can start becoming fit by making a commitment to do no harm, in other words, making a conscious effort not to talk disparagingly about those who have hurt you. You do not have to say good things, but, if you refrain from talking negatively, it will feed the more forgiving side of your mind and heart.
You can also make a practice of recognising that every person is unique, special, and irreplaceable. You may come to this through religious beliefs or a humanist philosophy or even through your belief in evolution. It is important to cultivate this mindset of valuing our common humanity, so that it becomes harder to discount someone who has harmed you as unworthy.
You can show love in small ways in everyday encounters, like smiling at a harried grocery cashier or taking time to listen to a child. Giving love when it is unnecessary helps to build the love muscle, making it easier to show compassion toward everyone. If you practice small acts of forgiveness and mercy, extending care when someone harms you, in everyday life, this too will help. Perhaps you can refrain from honking when someone cuts you off in traffic, or hold your tongue when your spouse snaps at you and extend a hug instead.
Sometimes pride and power can weaken your efforts to forgive by making you feel entitled and inflated, so that you hang onto your resentment as a noble cause. Try to catch yourself when you are acting from that place, and choose forgiveness or mercy, instead. 
Address Your Inner Pain
It is important to figure out who has hurt you and how. This may seem obvious, but not every action that causes you suffering is unjust. For example, you do not need to forgive your child or your spouse for being imperfect, even if their imperfections are inconvenient for you.
To become clearer, you can look carefully at the people in your life, your parents, siblings, peers, spouse, coworkers, children, and even yourself. Rate how much they have hurt you. Perhaps they have exercised power over you or withheld love, or maybe they have physically harmed you. These hurts have contributed to your inner pain and need to be acknowledged. Doing this will give you an idea of who needs forgiveness in your life and provide a place to start.
There are many forms of emotional pain, but the common forms are anxiety, depression, unhealthy anger, lack of trust, self-loathing or low self-esteem, an overall negative worldview, and a lack of confidence in one’s ability to change. All of these harms can be addressed by forgiveness, so it is important to identify the kind of pain you are suffering from and to acknowledge it. The more hurt you have incurred, the more important it is to forgive, at least for the purpose of experiencing emotional healing.
You may be able to do this accounting on your own, or you may need the help of a therapist. However, when you start addressing your pain be sure that
 you do it in an environment that feels safe and supportive.
Develop a Forgiving Mind and Empathy
Scientists have studied what happens in the brain when we think about forgiving and have discovered that, when people successfully imagine forgiving someone (in a hypothetical situation), they show increased activity in the neural circuits responsible for empathy. This tells us that empathy is connected to forgiveness and is an important step in the process.
If you examine some of the details in the life of the person who harmed you, you can often see more clearly what wounds they carry and start to develop empathy for them. First, try to imagine them as an innocent child, needing love and support. Did they get that from their parents? Research has shown that if an infant does not receive attention and love from primary caregivers, then they will have a weak attachment, which can damage trust. It may prevent them from ever getting close to others and set a trajectory of loneliness and conflict for the rest of their life.
You may be able to put an entire narrative together for the person who hurt you,from early child through to adulthood, or just imagine it from what you know. You may be able to see their physical frailties and psychological suffering, and begin to understand the common humanity that you share. You may recognise them as a vulnerable person who was hurt and then hurt you in return. Despite what they may have done to hurt you, you realize that they did not deserve to suffer, either.
Recognising that we all carry wounds in our hearts can help open the door to forgiveness.
Find Meaning In Your Suffering
When we suffer a great deal, it is important that we find meaning in what we have endured. Without seeing meaning, a person can lose a sense of purpose, which can lead to hopelessness and a despairing conclusion that there is no meaning to life itself. That does not mean we look for suffering in order to grow or try to find goodness in another’s bad actions. Instead, we try to see how our suffering has changed us in a positive way.
Even as one suffers, it is possible to develop short-term and sometimes long-range goals in life. Some people begin to think about how they can use their suffering to cope, because they have become more resilient or brave. They may also realise that their suffering has altered their perspective regarding what is important in life, changing their long-range goals for themselves.
To find meaning is not to diminish your pain or to say, I will just make the best of it or All things happen for a reason. You must always take care to address the hurt in yourself and to recognise the injustice of the experience, or forgiveness will be shallow.
Still, there are many ways to find meaning in our suffering. Some may choose to focus more on the beauty of the world or decide to give service to others in need. Some may find meaning by speaking their truth or by strengthening their inner resolve. We should use our suffering to become more loving and to pass that love onto others. Finding meaning, in and of itself, is helpful for finding direction in forgiveness.
When Forgiveness is Hard, Call Upon Other Strengths
Forgiveness is always hard when we are dealing with deep injustices from others. Some people refuse to use the word forgiveness because it just makes them so angry. That is OK. We all have our own timelines for when we can be merciful. But if you want to forgive and are finding it hard, it might help to call upon other resources.
First remember that if you are struggling with forgiveness, that does not mean you are a failure at forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process that takes time, patience, and determination. Try not to be harsh on yourself, but be gentle and foster a sense of quiet within, an inner acceptance of yourself. Try to respond to yourself as you would to someone whom you love deeply.
Surround yourself with good and wise people who support you and who have the patience to allow you time to heal in your own way. Also, practice humility, not in the sense of putting yourself down, but in realising that we are all capable of imperfection and suffering.
Try to develop courage and patience in yourself to help you on the journey. Also, if you practice bearing small slights against you without lashing out, you give a gift to everyone—not only to the other person, but to everyone whom that person may harm in the future because of your anger. You can help end the cycle of inflicting pain on others.
If you are still finding it hard to forgive, you can choose to practice with someone who is easier to forgive—maybe someone who hurt you in a small way, rather than deeply. Alternatively, it can be better to focus on forgiving the person who is at the root of your pain. Maybe a parent who was abusive, or a spouse who betrayed you. If this initial hurt impacts other parts of your life and other relationships, it may be necessary to start there.
Forgive Yourself
Most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves. If you are not feeling lovable because of actions you have taken, you may need to work on self-forgiveness and offer to yourself what you offer to others who have hurt you: a sense of inherent worth, despite your actions.
In self-forgiveness, you honor yourself as a person, even if you are imperfect. If you have broken your personal standards in a serious way, there is a danger of sliding into self-loathing. When this happens, you may not take good care of yourself. You might overeat, oversleep, start smoking or engage in other forms of “self-punishment.” You need to recognise this and move toward self-compassion. Soften your heart toward yourself.
After you have been able to self-forgive, you will also need to engage in seeking forgiveness from others who you have harmed and right the wrongs as best as you can. It is important to be prepared for the possibility that the other person may not be ready to forgive you and to practice patience and humility. But, a sincere apology, free of conditions and expectations, will go a long way toward your receiving forgiveness in the end.
Develop a Forgiving Heart
When we overcome suffering, we gain a more mature understanding of what it means to be humble, courageous, and loving in the world. We may be moved to create an atmosphere of forgiveness in our homes and workplaces, to help others who have been harmed overcome their suffering, or to protect our communities from a cycle of hatred and violence. All of these choices can lighten the heart and bring joy into one’s life.
Some people may believe that love for another who has harmed you is not possible. But, I have found that many people who forgive eventually find a way to open their hearts. If you shed bitterness and put love in its place, and then repeat this with many other people, you become released to love more widely and deeply. This kind of transformation can create a legacy of love that will live on long after you are gone.  
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone—you are the one getting burned.”  -Buddha
With thanks to Robert Enright