Love Yourself

February is the month when love is in the air, thanks to St Valentine. But here is a thought for you. When did you last give yourself a Valentine?

That is not as strange as it may seem. As anyone who knows true love will tell you, the more love that you give, the more you receive. This starts an amazing circle of ever increasing love, which makes your eyes shine; your energy level rises and improves every aspect of your life.

The place to start the whole cycle going is with self love. This does not mean selfishness and introspection. It means taking time out to truly appreciate all your great qualities, skills and talents. Love yourself, give yourself a hug.

So many people find that they benefit from this simple change to their approach to love, because most of us are brought up with a culture where it is considered bad form to put yourself first, we can severely limit the love that we have to give.

It can also limit your capacity to receive love. If you do not love yourself, you may feel that you are unlovable by someone else. At best, this can make you doubt any expressions of love that you receive. At worst, it can even make you repel those who want to love you and that can result in the collapse of a relationship.

Self love is not the same as selfishness. It is the ability to acknowledge all your good points instead of a continual focus on your faults. It means looking into the mirror and seeing a person of great potential. When you can do this you can look the world in the eye, you can give freely and you can project love outwards to others.

A reason why so many people never get to find the one true love that the Valentines cards talk about, is because the whole idea of self love is alien to them. If they think about it as self-esteem then it becomes more acceptable. Every truly happy and successful person has high self-esteem. This is not the same as arrogance or conceit. It is about giving as much credibility to your positive qualities as you do to all of the others.

Address the issue of self-esteem then everything else just falls into place. The process of increased awareness is simple, gradual and very effective. The biggest payoff is, when you have done it once, you have it for all time. Then you become truly aware that you can be, do or have whatever you want in life and, that includes love.

We are all born with a good awareness of ourselves. What subsequently happens is that we remember all the negative things that others tell us about ourselves and these can swamp our opinions about the good qualities that we have. Decide to base your impressions of self on what you truly know to be true, instead of the opinions of others and you are well on the way to building up that never ending store of love that is your birthright.

With thanks to https://www.the-coaching-academy.com

Stop Worrying About Others

To feel accepted is a nearly universal human desire. After all, we evolved to survive better in groups, where fitting in and having the trust and respect of our peers are the measures of success. The need to belong is in our DNA..

But sometimes that need takes centre stage, and what others think about us takes on more importance than what we think about ourselves.

We may analyse each look and word that comes our way, for clues that we have been judged and found acceptable or lacking. Someone passing in the hall without a hello may leave us red-faced and convinced we do not deserve to be noticed. We may people please, always putting others first, which leaves us open to being taken advantage of while we chase praise. We may exhaust ourselves trying to be cool, hardworking, attractive, or successful enough to feel valued.

What is behind this anxiety about being liked, and why are some of us so much more vulnerable to it than others? 

In many cases, it is a type of echo from the past. At some point in our lives, something or someone may have made connection and affection seem conditional, something we have to fight for and do not really deserve. A sense of shame develops as we inevitably fall short of perfection. Author Brené Brown, who has spent her career studying shame and the ways in which we can develop what she calls “shame" resilience writes of this in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: “Healthy striving is self-focused: ‘How can I improve?’ Perfectionism is other-focused: ‘What will they think?’”

Perhaps your childhood caregivers were emotionally distant, physically or verbally abusive, or set impossible standards. Perhaps you were bullied at school or you felt as though you never measured up in our competitive comparison culture. 

Or maybe you cannot pinpoint an explanation. You just know you feel insecure and unworthy, and that leads you to count on others for reassurance that you matter and belong.

To be sure, wanting to be thought of positively is not a bad thing. We all need a little awareness of how others view us to keep balanced and attuned to how we affect others. But too much concern about what people think can lead us to value only what others want from us, rather than what we desire and need. And the irony is that what starts out as an effort to ensure our happines and acceptance, can end up doing the opposite.

Creating a New Mindset

If you recognise that you are someone who is anxious about being liked, there are steps you can take to get back to a healthier relationship with others and with yourself. 

Keep Things In Perspective

It is said that people would care a lot less about what others think about them if they knew how little others think about them. And it is true: Everyone has enough to occupy their mind. They also have their own insecurities. If you are worried about how you come across to someone you have just met, keep in mind that they are probably doing the same. 

Question Your Thinking

Humans tend toward cognitive distortions, patterns of negative thinking that can hurt our mood or behaviour. For example, we may assume the worst, or filter out the good in a situation and pay attention only to the bad. Or we may overgeneralise or jump to conclusions. Pay attention to your thoughts, and question them rather than allowing impressions to run away with you. You may discover that what you are fretting over exists only in your mind. 

Let Go Of Perfection

It can be hard to shake the feeling that if you just get things right, you will be loved and admired. But this is a fruitless pursuit, not only because perfection is an illusion, but because what people think about you has more to do with them than with you.

Get To Know Yourself

What do you really like? What do you really want? Are you making choices about your career, relationship and pastimes because you want them or because they will please or impress someone else? Allow yourself to try new things and wonder, “What would I pursue or enjoy if I was not so worried about being judged?” 

Find Your Tribe

Somewhere out there are people who can identify with you and appreciate you for who you are. Do not waste time trying to hang on to those who expect you to conform to their wishes and wants. Cultivate authenticity, and you will find those you are meant to be with. As Brown writes in Daring Greatly, “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

Allow Yourself To Be Vulnerable

It can be terrifying to go against the grain, speak out, take a risk, or face disapproval. But decide what matters to you, trust yourself, and go for it. We do not grow by always playing it safe, we grow by allowing ourselves a chance to fail. 

Accept A Helping Hand

The anxiety you feel about what others think can sometimes be overcome with a little self-awareness. But in some cases, especially for those with underlying trauma or mental health issues, professional help can help you get to the root of your feelings. Allow yourself to reach out for the care you need rather than prolonging your suffering. 

Be Your Own Friend

It is a tough reality, but you will never be able to make everyone like you, no matter what you do. But look on the bright side, no one else can do it, either. So accept the twinges that will inevitably come when you realise you have not made a connection with someone, and focus instead on a goal that will take you further toward being the kind of person you want to be by learning to like yourself, flaws and all.

With thanks to David Sack MD https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/where-science-meets-the-steps/201610/8-ways-stop-worrying-about-what-other-people-think