Why is it so Hard to Stop Worrying?
No one likes the way constant worrying makes you feel, so why is it so difficult to stop? The answer lies in the beliefs, both negative and positive, you have about worrying.
On the negative side, you may believe that your constant worrying is going to spiral completely out of control, drive you crazy, or damage your health. On the positive side, you may believe that your worrying helps you avoid bad things, prepare for the worst, or come up with solutions. You may even believe that worrying shows you are a caring and conscientious person.
Negative beliefs, or worrying about worrying, add to your anxiety and keep it going (much in the same way worrying about getting to sleep often keeps you awake). But positive beliefs about worrying can be even more damaging. It is tough to break the worry habit if you believe that your worrying protects you. In order to stop worry and anxiety for good, you must give up your belief that worrying serves a positive purpose. Once you realise that worrying is the problem, not the solution, you gain control of your worried mind.
Why You Keep Worrying
You have mixed feelings about your worries. On one hand, your worries are bothering you, you cannot sleep, nor can you get these pessimistic thoughts out of your head. But there is a way that these worries make sense to you. For example, you think:
Maybe I will find a solution.
I do not want to overlook anything.
If I keep thinking a little longer, maybe I will figure it out.
I do not want to be surprised.
I want to be responsible.
You have a hard time giving up on your worries because, in a sense, your worries have been working for you. (The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You, Robert L. Leahy, Ph.D.)
Create A Worry Period
It is tough to be productive in your daily life when anxiety and worry are dominating your thoughts. But what can you do?
Telling yourself to stop worrying does not work, at least not for long. You can distract yourself for a moment, but you cannott banish anxious thoughts for good. In fact, trying to do so often makes them stronger and more persistent.
You can test this out for yourself. Close your eyes and picture a pink elephant. Once you can see it in your mind, stop thinking about it. Whatever you do, for the next 60 seconds, do not think about pink elephants!
How did you do? Did thoughts of pink elephants keep popping into your brain?
Trying to Stop Anxious Thoughts does not Work
Thought stopping” backfires because it forces you to pay extra attention to the very thought you want to avoid. You always have to be watching for it, and this very emphasis makes it seem even more important.
But that does not mean there is nothing you can do to control worry. You just need a different approach. This is where the strategy of postponing worrying comes in. Rather than trying to stop or get rid of an anxious thought, give yourself permission to have it, but put off dwelling on it until later.
Learn to Postpone Worrying
Create A Worry Period: Choose a set time and place for worrying. It should be the same every day (e.g. in the living room from 5:00 to 5:20 p.m.) and early enough that it will not make you anxious right before bedtime. During your worry period, you are allowed to worry about whatever is on your mind. The rest of the day, however, is a worry free zone.
Postpone Your Worry: If an anxious thought or worry comes into your head during the day, make a brief note of it and then continue about your day. Remind yourself that you will have time to think about it later, so there is no need to worry about it right now.
Go over your Worry List during the Worry Period: If the thoughts you wrote down are still bothering you, allow yourself to worry about them, but only for the amount of time you have specified for your worry period. If they do not seem important any more, cut your worry period short and enjoy the rest of your day.
Postponing worrying is effective because it breaks the habit of dwelling on worries when you have got other things to do, yet there is no struggle to suppress the thought or judge it. You simply save it for later. And as you develop the ability to postpone your anxious thoughts, you will start to realise that you have more control than you think.
Ask Yourself if the Problem is Solvable
Research shows that while you are worrying, you temporarily feel less anxious. Running over the problem in your head distracts you from your emotions and makes you feel like you are getting something accomplished. But worrying and problem solving are two very different things.
Problem solving involves evaluating a situation, coming up with concrete steps for dealing with it, and then putting the plan into action. Worrying, on the other hand, rarely leads to solutions. No matter how much time you spend dwelling on worst case scenarios, you are no more prepared to deal with them should they actually happen.
Distinguish between Solvable and Unsolvable Worries
If a worry pops into your head, start by asking yourself whether the problem is something you can actually solve. The following questions can help:
Is the problem something you are currently facing, rather than an imagery what if?
If the problem is an imaginary what if, how likely is it to happen? Is your concern realistic?
Can you do something about the problem or prepare for it, or is it out of control?
Productive, solvable worries are those you can take action on right away. For example, if you are worried about your bills, you could call your creditors to see about flexible payment options. Unproductive, unsolvable worries are those for which there is no corresponding action. “What if I get cancer someday?” or “What if my child has an accident?”
If the worry is solvable, start brainstorming. Make a list of all the possible solutions you can think of. Try not to get too hung up on finding the perfect solution. Focus on the things you have the power to change, rather than the circumstances or realities beyond your control. After you have evaluated your options, make a plan of action. Once you have a plan and start doing something about the problem, you will feel much less worried.
Dealing with Unsolvable Worries
But what if the worry is not something you can solve? If you are a chronic worrier, the vast majority of your anxious thoughts probably fall in this camp. In such cases, it is important to tune into your emotions.
As previously mentioned, worrying helps you avoid unpleasant emotions. Worrying keeps you in your head, thinking about how to solve problems rather than allowing yourself to feel the underlying emotions. But you cannot worry your emotions away. While you are worrying, your feelings are temporarily suppressed, but as soon as you stop, they bounce back. And then, you start worrying about your feelings: “What is wrong with me? I should not feel this way!”
The only way out of this vicious cycle is by learning to embrace your feelings. This may seem scary at first because of negative beliefs you have about emotions. For example, you may believe that you should always be rational and in control, that your feelings should always make sense, or that you should not feel certain emotions, such as fear or anger.
The truth is that emotions, like life, are messy. They do not always make sense and they are not always pleasant. But as long as you can accept your feelings as part of being human, you will be able to experience them without becoming overwhelmed and learn how to use them to your advantage. The following tips will help you find a better balance between your intellect and your emotions.
Accept Uncertainty
The inability to tolerate uncertainty plays a huge role in anxiety and worry. Chronic worriers cannot stand doubt or unpredictability. They need to know with 100 percent certainty what is going to happen. Worrying is seen as a way to predict what the future has in store.,a way to prevent unpleasant surprises and control the outcome. The problem is, it does not work.
Thinking about all the things that could go wrong does not make life any more predictable. You may feel safer when you are worrying, but it is just an illusion. Focusing on worst case scenarios will noy keep bad things from happening. It will only keep you from enjoying the good things you have in the present. So if you want to stop worrying, start by tackling your need for certainty and immediate answers.
Accept Uncertainty, The Key to Anxiety Relief
To understand the problems of refusing to accept uncertainty, ask yourself the following four questions and write down your responses.
Is it possible to be certain about everything in life?
What are the advantages of requiring certainty, versus the disadvantages? Or, how is needing certainty in life helpful and unhelpful? Do you tend to predict bad things will happen just because they are uncertain? Is this a reasonable thing to do? What is the likelihood of positive or neutral outcomes?
Do you tend to predict bad things will happen just because they are uncertain? Is this a reasonable thing to do? What is the likelihood of positive or neutral outcomes?
Is it possible to live with the small chance that something negative may happen, given that its likelihood is very low? (Accepting Uncertainty, Centre for Clinical Interventions)
Challenge Anxious Thoughts
If you suffer from chronic anxiety and worries, chances are you look at the world in ways that make it seem more dangerous than it really is. For example, you may overestimate the possibility that things will turn out badly, jump immediately to worst case scenarios, or treat every negative thought as if it were fact. You may also discredit your own ability to handle life’s problems, assuming you will fall apart at the first sign of trouble. These irrational, pessimistic attitudes are known as cognitive distortions.
Although cognitive distortions are not based on reality, they are not easy to give up. Often, they are part of a lifelong pattern of thinking that has become so automatic you are not even completely aware of it. In order to break these bad thinking habits and stop the worry and anxiety they bring, you must retrain your brain.
Start by identifying the frightening thought, being as detailed as possible about what scares or worries you. Then, instead of viewing your thoughts as facts, treat them as hypotheses you are testing out. As you examine and challenge your worries and fears, you will develop a more balanced perspective.
What is the evidence that the thought is true? That it is not true?
Is there a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation?
What is the probability that what I am scared of will actually happen? If the probability is low, what are some more likely outcomes?
Is the thought helpful? How will worrying about it help me and how will it hurt me?
What would I say to a friend who had this worry?
Be Aware of how others affect You
How you feel is affected by the company you keep, whether you are aware of it or not. Studies show that emotions are contagious. We quickly “catch” moods from other people,even from strangers who never speak a word (e.g. the terrified woman sitting next to you on the plane; the fuming man in the checkout line). The people you spend a lot of time with have an even greater impact on your mental state.
Keep a worry diary. You may not be aware of how people or situations are affecting you. Maybe this is the way it ha always been in your family, or you have been dealing with the stress so long that it feels normal. Try keeping a worry diary for a week or so. Every time you start to worry, jot down the thought and what triggered it. Over time, you will start to see patterns.
Spend less time with people who make you anxious. Is there someone in your life who drags you down or always seems to leave you feeling stressed? Think about cutting back on the time you spend with that person or establish healthier relationship boundaries. For example, you might set certain topics off limits, if you know that talking about them with that person makes you anxious.
Choose your confidantes carefully. Know who to talk to about situations that make you anxious. Some people will help you gain perspective, while others will feed into your worries, doubts, and fears.
Practise Mindfulness
Worrying is usually focused on the future on what might happen and what you will do about it. The centuries old practice of mindfulness can help you break free from your worries by bringing your attention back to the present. In contrast to the previous techniques of challenging your anxious thoughts or postponing them to a worry period, this strategy is based on observing and then letting them go. Together, they can help you identify where your thinking is causing problems, while helping you get in touch with your emotions.
Acknowledge and observe your anxious thoughts and feelings. Do not try to ignore, fight, or control them like you usually would. Instead, simply observe them as if from an outsider’s perspective, without reacting or judging.
Let your worries go. Notice that when you do not try to control the anxious thoughts that pop up, they soon pass, like clouds moving across the sky. It’is only when you engage your worries that you get stuck.
Stay focused on the present. Pay attention to the way your body feels, the rhythm of your breathing, your ever changing emotions, and the thoughts that drift across your mind. If you find yourself getting stuck on a particular thought, bring your attention back to the present moment.
Using mindfulness meditation to stay focused on the present is a simple concept, but it takes practice to reap the benefits. At first, you will probably find that your mind keeps wandering back to your worries. Try not to get frustrated. Each time you draw your focus back to the present, you are reinforcing a new mental habit that will help you break free of the negative worry cycle.
With thanks to Melinda Smith, M.A., Robert Segal, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.
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