The critical inner voice does not represent a positive sense of self that you can trust in. Rather, it epitomises a cruel “anti self,” a part inside of us that we turn against ourselves. It casts doubt on our abilities, undermines our desires, and convinces us to be paranoid and suspicious toward ourselves and those close to us. This anti-self fills our mind with critical self-analysis and self-sabotaging thoughts that lead us to hold back or steer away from our true goals.
Where Self Sabotaging Thoughts Come From
Our critical inner voice is formed from our early life experiences. Without realising it, we tend to internalise attitudes that were directed toward us by parents or influential caretakers throughout our development. For example, if our parent saw us as lazy, we may grow up feeling useless or ineffective. We may then engage in self sabotaging thoughts that tell us not to try, i.e.“Why bother? You will never succeed anyway. You just do not have the energy to get anything done”
In a similar manner, children can internalise negative thoughts that their parents or early caretakers have about themselves. If we grew up with a self loathing parent, who often viewed themselves as weak or a failure, we may grow up with similar self sabotaging attitudes about ourselves. For instance, if our parent felt critical of their appearance, we may take on similar insecurities without realising it. We may feel easily self-conscious and less sure of ourselves in social or public situations.
We cannot change the past. Yet, as adults, we can identify the self sabotaging thoughts that we have internalised and consciously choose to act against them. When we fall victim to our critical inner voice and listen to its directives, we often engage in self limiting or self sabotaging behaviours that hurt us in our daily lives. As author Elizabeth Gilbert put it, “You need to learn how to select your thoughts in the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life, work on the mind. That is the only thing you should be trying to control.”
How To Stop Self Sabotaging Behaviour
Once we know where our self sabotaging thoughts come from, we can start to differentiate from the negative identity we have cast upon ourselves. We can familiarise ourselves with our critical inner voice and notice when it starts to seep into our thought process. As we do this, we can start to recognise ways we act that we do not like or respect. For example, if we often feel embarrassed or ashamed and, as a consequence, hold ourselves back socially, we can start to push ourselves to be more outgoing and open.
Changing these self sabotaging behaviours will make us anxious, because it means challenging deeply ingrained, old and familiar attitudes that we have long held about ourselves. Differentiating from these behaviors is essential to leading happy lives.
Authors Dr Robert Firestone, Dr Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett describe the steps involved in differentiation. Separating ourselves from the destructive attitudes (critical inner voices) we internalise based on painful early life experiences requires us to separate from the negative traits in our parents or influential caretakers that we have taken on as our own.
By challenging these destructive defenses or adaptations we made to the pain we experienced growing up may have helped us in childhood but, very often, hurt us as adults. For instance, if we were used to being let down or rejected as children, we may have formed a defense mechanism that shuts us off from wanting or expecting much from others. Though this lowering our expectations may seem to help cushion us from getting hurt as a child, this same defense can keep us from trusting or getting close to someone as an adult.
The final step of differentiation asks us to develop our very own sense of our unique values, ideals and beliefs. Once we have separated from the negative overlays from our past, we can uncover who we really are. We can stop our self sabotaging behaviours and choose the person we want to be.
How To End Self Sabotaging Relationships
The defenses and critical inner voices that we carry over time often lead us to recreate dynamics from our early life into our adult life. We tend to play out negative, old behaviour patterns with the people we get close to. We often form self sabotaging relationships by indulging in our critical inner voices and failing to challenge our core defenses.
For example, if we felt abandoned as a child, we may have the tendency to become insecure in our adult relationships. We may hear “voices” toward ourselves like, “How can you trust her? She is just going to leave you. Be careful and do not let yourself get close to her.” If we had a parent who was overbearing or intrusive, we may feel easily suffocated by our romantic partner. We may hear voices like, “He is too needy. Can he just leave me alone? You are better off on your own. You just cannot handle being close.”
Our critical inner voices encourage us to act out our defenses in all areas of our lives, but most often in our closest relationships. They often hold us back from getting what we really want, instilling fears in us that we will be hurt in the same ways we were hurt as children. We may even choose partners who play into these old dynamics, recreating past scenarios that help us maintain a negative identity we have long held.
Getting to know our patterns can help us avoid self sabotaging relationships. We can start to act against our inner critic and break from defenses that no longer serve us well today. Facing our past is an important part of this process. Once we familiarise ourselves with our defenses, we can differentiate from self sabotaging behaviours and live a more liberated life, in which we are more powerful and much more in control of our destiny.
With thanks to Psychalive https://www.psychalive.org/self-sabotaging/
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