For Mothers’ Day and Fathers Too

We all have or have had a mother and a father and, of course most of us remember them especially on their special days. But now it could be time to go beyond cards and flowers.

All of us owe a deep debt of gratitude to our parents for creating us in the first

place, then for giving us roots in a secure environment to progress from infancy to adolescence. The best parents of all gave us wings so that we could explore the world and soar to the heights of our own potential.

This is the ideal situation and, alas, one that a great many people feel they have lost out on.

Many of our attitudes to work, relationships and life in general are coloured by how close our childhood came to the ideal. Any couple can become parents without any training, lessons or experience. So it is not surprising that many fall short of the perfection that we might have felt was our due.

The key to overcoming our resentment or regret is forgiveness. After all, what has been done cannot be undone and you are what you are. You are also what you think, so Mothers’ Day is a great time to eliminate any negative thinking about your parents”.

Our parents did the very best that they could with the knowledge that was available to them at the time. Like you, they only discovered what they didn’t know when they needed to know it - so it is hardly surprising that they may have made a few mistakes along the way”.

This does excludes parents who wilfully mistreat their children from this general observation. These individuals will require a greater effort for forgiveness but it is an effort well worth making. Some people are held back from achieving the great things in life because there is simply no room to let them in.

If you harbour a grudge or resentment it will fester and impact on everything else that you do and that is like trying to cycle uphill with the brakes on. The way to release the brakes is to just let go.

If it becomes apparent that a person is being held back by some imagined past injustice, they need to ask themselves three simple questions, ‘Can I let that feeling go? ‘Would I let it go? When?”

Their answers invariably lead to them becoming aware of the way forward and going for it. This process also has a positive impact for people who are parents themselves. In understanding their own parents, they find a greater understanding of their children.

Copyright The Coaching Academy 

Snap Out of Inertia

Some people know what to do in theory to improve their social skills, but find it hard to get out of their comfortable rut and actually start making changes. If that applies to you, here's my take on how to get yourself going.

Usually the hardest part is getting started

Establishing a new routine and pulling yourself out of a well-worn groove is difficult. It's so easy to put off. However, once you take those first few steps it's often rewarding and natural to keep going (e.g., when you've got some friends to hang around with it becomes much easier to spend more time being social). Like with taking up a new exercise program, the first few weeks are often the roughest. Starting something new can be draining and discouraging at first, but once you get over that initial hump it's not as hard to continue.

Think about what you actually want

Sometimes students have procrastination problems at university because deep down they're not really into their program, but they can't admit that to themselves yet. Maybe their parents pressured them into it. Maybe it's what they thought they wanted to do, but are having doubts now that they know what the field involves firsthand. Maybe they didn't want to go to college at all, but everyone told them how important it was, so they just picked a major, any major.

Someone may drag their feet with their social goals because they're honestly not that enthusiastic about them. They could be reacting more to the expectations of other people rather than what they really want for themselves. It can help to take the time to think about this. What are your goals? Why do you have them? What about them motivates you?

As this article goes into, it may also be useful to consider if you're fully ready to begin working on your issues, or if there are factors that are making you ambivalent about it.

Accept that you're going to be lazy some of the time

Anything that is both a) uncomfortable, and b) optional is inevitably going to lead to bouts of procrastination. Improving your social situation often falls into this category. It can suck to go to an event where you don't know many people, or try to make friends, or start conversation with people who intimidate you. But there's no law that says you have to do it. On the other hand, you pretty much know you're going to have fun if you watch a new movie or try a new video game.

So just realize up front that you're going to slack off some of the time, and that this will make the process of improving yourself take longer than it could in theory. Accept that some of your natural tendencies will slow you down. If you read enough self-help material, you'll come across the same archetype over and over again: It's the person who was in a low, low place in their life, and through years of consistent, determined effort they turned themselves into a huge success. It's awesome if you can be one of those people, but most of us aren't cyborgs with a bottomless reservoir of willpower and discipline. We're going to get there eventually, but we'll occasionally plod along, detour off the path, or take a break. Sometimes you'll throw a week away by reading a new book or binging on a TV series. That's fine and isn't going to make or break how your life turns out. Sometimes you'll be happy with life the way it is, your problems won't be weighing on your mind too heavily, and you won't feel any pressing need to get to work on yourself at that moment.

Don't feel the process of getting better with people is always going to a painful grind

Going back to that archetype of the self-improving cyborg, an implicit message I read into a lot of self-help material is that changing yourself has to be a painful, drawn-out process that requires a ton of willpower and a high tolerance for hardship. While there are most certainly times where you'll have to deal with anxiety, discomfort, and rejection, it's not always going to be one torturous experience after another. A night of practicing your social skills may involve going out to dinner with some fun new people and having an awesome night.

One idea this site talks about is that you can sometimes do a lot to get better with people through slow, easy, indirect methods. If you can't talk to other people, you don't necessarily have to put hours into having discouraging, unsuccessful practice conversations with them. You may just need to read more widely or dabble in some new hobbies so you'll have more topics to bring up. If you have trouble having fun with people maybe you just need to learn to get into a more joking, less serious frame of mind, or get the hang of dancing and pool so you can take part when your friends do those things at a bar, rather than watching from the sidelines and feeling like you want to go home.

Break your goals down into manageable chunks

A vintage piece of advice for getting past procrastination is to break your task down. If someone has to write a 20-page assignment, that can seem very huge and overwhelming. They can't imagine where to begin, so they might not start at all. If they divide that paper up into smaller pieces it won't seem as bad. Like all they may have to do the first day is go to the library and take out some books.

It's the same with social goals. 'Having a bunch of awesome friends' or 'Completely getting over my shyness' are huge, amorphous objectives. It would be way better to pull that apart into more manageable sections. For example, if someone wanted to make a group of friends and currently didn't have any they could come up with tasks such as:

• Think of places where they could meet people.
• Some of those ideas are probably places where they're already spend a lot of time (e.g., work, classes). For the other places they come up with (sports teams, clubs), figure out which ones would be feasible to join, and then sign up.
• Think of ways to start more conversations with people at these places, and then do it.
• Think of people they're already on good terms with who they could invite out.
• Figure out some things they could do with people.
• Once they've got some prospective friends, invite them out. 

To read the full article go to

http://www.succeedsocially.com/laziness

Self Analysis Questionnaire For Personal Inventory

Annual self-analysis is an essential in the effective marketing of personal services, as is annual inventory in merchandising. Moreover, the yearly analysis should disclose a DECREASE IN FAULTS, and an increase in VIRTUES. One goes ahead, stands still, or goes backward in life. One's object should be, of course, to go ahead. Annual self-analysis will disclose whether advancement has been, made, and if so, how much. It will also disclose any backward steps one may have made. The effective marketing of personal services requires one to move forward even if the progress is slow.

Your annual self-analysis should be made at the end of each year, so you can include in your New Year's Resolutions any improvements which the analysis indicates should be made. Take this inventory by asking yourself the following questions, and by checking your answers with the aid of someone who will not permit you to deceive yourself as to their accuracy.

1. Have I attained the goal which I established as my objective for this year? (You should work with a definite yearly objective to be attained as a part of your major life objective).

2. Have I delivered service of the best possible QUALITY of which I was capable, or could I have improved any part of this service?

3. Have I delivered service in the greatest possible QUANTITY of which I was capable?

4. Has the spirit of my conduct been harmonious, and cooperative at all times?

5. Have I permitted the habit of PROCRASTINATION to decrease my efficiency, and if so, to what extent?

6. Have I improved my PERSONALITY, and if so, in what ways?

7. Have I been PERSISTENT in following my plans through to completion?

8. Have I reached DECISIONS PROMPTLY AND DEFINITELY on all occasions?

9. Have I permitted any one or more of the six basic fears to decrease my efficiency?

10. Have I been either "over-cautious," or "under-cautious?"

11. Has my relationship with my associates in work been pleasant, or unpleasant? If it has been unpleasant, has the fault been partly, or wholly mine?

12. Have I dissipated any of my energy through lack of CONCENTRATION of effort?

13. Have I been open minded and tolerant in connection with all subjects?

14. In what way have I improved my ability to render service?

15. Have I been intemperate in any of my habits?

16. Have I expressed, either openly or secretly, any form of EGOTISM?

17. Has my conduct toward my associates been such that it has induced them to RESPECT me?

18. Have my opinions and DECISIONS been based upon guesswork, or accuracy of analysis and THOUGHT?

19. Have I followed the habit of budgeting my time, my expenses, and my income, and have I been conservative in these budgets?

20. How much time have I devoted to UNPROFITABLE effort which I might have used to better advantage?

21. How may I RE-BUDGET my time, and change my habits so I will be more efficient during the coming year?

22. Have I been guilty of any conduct which was not approved by my conscience?

23. In what ways have I rendered MORE SERVICE AND BETTER SERVICE than I was paid to render?

24. Have I been unfair to anyone, and if so, in what way?

25. If I had been the purchaser of my own services for the year, would I be satisfied with my purchase?

26. Am I in the right vocation, and if not, why not?

27. Has the purchaser of my services been satisfied with the service I have rendered, and if not, why not?

28. What is my present rating on the fundamental principles of success? (Make this rating fairly, and frankly, and have it checked by someone who is courageous enough to do it accurately).

Having read and assimilated the information conveyed in this post, you are now ready to create a practical plan for marketing your personal services. In this post will be found an adequate description of every principle essential in planning the sale of personal services, including the major attributes of leadership; the most common causes of failure in leadership; a description of the fields of opportunity for leadership; the main causes of failure in all walks of life, and the important questions which should be used in self-analysis. This extensive and detailed presentation of accurate information has been included, because it will be needed by all who must begin the accumulation of riches by marketing personal services. Those who have lost their fortunes, and those who are just beginning to earn money, have nothing but personal services to offer in return for riches, therefore it is essential that they have available the practical information needed to market services to best advantage.

To read the full article go to http://www.psitek.net/pages/PsiTekTAGR20.html#gsc.tab=0

Self Worth - The Definitive Guide to Valuing Yourself

Your self worth is a function of how you value yourself. To build your self worth you must first discover your values and then make up your own definition of success. Your values are nothing more than what you value in life. You probably already know that society places excessive value on the outward appearances of success, such as money, material possessions, physical appearance, marital status, career and so on. In contrast, little consideration is ever given to the loftier values of a person, such as love, integrity, kindness, emotional intelligence, forgiveness and inner balance, when defining one's success. This means that we have a warped definition of success based largely on outward appearances, which really results in a warped sense of self worth.

Discover How You Value Yourself: You are likely to find that specific outward appearances automatically trigger a need within you to compare yourself to others, whether it is how much money someone else has or is making, how physically attractive they are, their relationship status or what material possessions they own and so on. Dig a little deeper and you will find that you have unwittingly placed an undue value on these outward appearances and are using them to determine your own self worth. In other words, how much money you have, how attractive you are and so on, have become the determining function of your self worth, and usually in isolation of all your other qualities and achievements. Such specific comparisons leave you temporarily feeling either better or worse about yourself, depending on where you ranked yourself on society's scale of success.

The Relative Nature of Outward Appearances: Take a moment and make a list of all those outward appearances that you have inadvertently made the yardstick of your inner self worth. See how all these things on your list actually require you to compare yourself to others or to seek outside approval in order to determine your self value or "how well you are doing". In other words, you can never really gauge how much money you have if you do not compare it to someone else's bank account, or how attractive you are if you do not compare yourself to someone else's looks. The humour in Daniel Gilbert's definition of happiness (Harvard psychology professor and the author of Stumbling on Happiness) says it all: "Happiness is proportional to your salary divided by your brother-in-law's salary."

The Changeability of Outward Appearances: Outward appearances are highly subject to change. A multimillionaire can find himself bankrupt overnight and the beggar can find himself a millionaire. There are no absolutes in outward appearances. The problem with this is, that if you are using such changeable things to define your self worth, then you are left aiming at an always-moving target because there will always be someone richer, more attractive, more materially successful than you. It can be no other way in the physical world of the relatives.

The Paradox of Valuing Outward Appearances: How you value yourself is a reflection of how you value others. For instance, if you have placed an undue value on money as a symbol of success, then in your estimation, people with more money are to be admired more than those with less. Ironically, the very people who you admire most are also the people you envy most when their bank balance outdoes yours. Therein lies the paradox - whatever you admire most, you must also envy. In other words, you can never really be happy for those you admire most when your own self worth is based on outward appearances.

The Illusory Nature of Outward Appearances: The undue value that society places on outward appearances is fueled by the ignorance that everything we experience in the outward physical world has its origin in the inner mental world. This means, that all outward appearances are just that - appearances - or illusions if you prefer. This does not mean that they are not physically "real". It simply means that the appearances that you cling to so dearly and that you use to judge your own worth relative to that of others, are really just products of the most powerful resource of all - your mind - and are hence subject to change through your mind's activity i.e. your thoughts. It is your thoughts that create your circumstances and hence your thoughts that can change them. Comparing yourself to others simply keeps your thoughts focused on the very circumstances that you most likely want to change and, by the Law of Attraction, you create more of the same.

What Do You Really Value? It should be obvious to you by now that it is futile to base your self worth on outward appearances that are relative in nature and simply the product of one's mind. The question then is, what should you base it on instead? This exercise will enable you to see for yourself what you really value. Make a list all those human qualities that you value. Some examples may be personal integrity, self love, the ability to show love, kindness, self-confidence, honesty, self-conviction, being true to oneself, a sense of humour, affection, gratitude and so on. Also, the ability to use and display any one emotion appropriately, at the right time and in the appropriate degree.

Now compare this list of values to your original list of outward appearances that you have up until now inadvertently been using as your yardstick for self worth. Which list holds what you truly value? It is easy, the one that makes you feel an inner sense of calm and power that cannot be disturbed by outward forces or opinions. It is the list of human values. The more you associate yourself with the the Real You that is your higher self, the more such human values will define you.

Re-Defining Success: Now that you can see how misguided the stereo-typical definition of success is (being based on outward appearances), you can write down a new definition of success based on those virtues and qualities on your second list. One of the most well-known definitions of success has to be that of Ralph Waldo Emerson. This is what he had to say about success: "To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

Your Very Own Definition of Success: Write down your own definition of success, including all those virtues you admire most, and use it as your new yardstick for success. Think big and go beyond even what Emerson had to say about success. Make sure your definition of success is about you - not about others, or how you compare to them or what they may think of you. Print it out and place it somewhere where you can see it every day. Read it every day and endeavour to make it your way of life. You will quickly find that your need to compare yourself to anyone else disappears.

As a once-off exercise, use your new definition of success to re-compare yourself to those people you used to compare yourself to based on society's definition. You may find that they do not display any of the virtues that you have used to define real success, and so no matter how much money they have, or how high up they have climbed on the career ladder, or how attractive they are, or how happy they seem to be in their relationships; that you would never really want to be like them. For example, would you still want someone else's career position if you knew they had back-stabbed their colleagues to get there? Hardly! Of course, when comparing yourself to random strangers, you can never really know their true virtues, so doing so is itself pointless based on your new definition of success.
To read the full article go to http://www.mind-your-reality.com/self_worth.html#Part_2

How To Keep Every Resolution Without Fail

We have all done it. We make New Year resolutions, maybe struggle to keep them for a few days, make ourselves miserable and then lapse back into our old habits.

Sure, we keep a few of these resolutions during our life but, for most, it is a losing battle. Now there is a vital formula that can ensure that you can keep every resolution without fail.

We could all benefit from this simple procedure, the key lies in the world ‘resolution’. When we make these promises to ourselves, we should drop the ‘re’ bit of the word and concentrate on the solution.

Many people benefit from this simple change to their thinking. “Consider why people make resolutions. It is usually because there is some aspect of their life that they want to change for the better. Then, instead of focusing on the great benefits that they will achieve, they focus on what they are giving up so, of course they fail”.

In this life you attract whatever it is that you think about the most. If you think about negative words like giving up, stopping, doing less or changing something that you have enjoyed for years, then it is inevitable that your subconscious will rebel to ensure that it does not happen.

Instead of thinking about resolutions, think about solutions. Think about how you will look, feel and sound when you have found the solution. Instead of thinking about what you may be giving up, think about what you will gain. Remember too that there is no success or failure, there is only a result. Don’t beat yourself up if the result is not what you planned, just change something and start again.

Here are some pointers about why so many people get results that they see as failure. There are two main reasons. The first is that you try to change the habits of a lifetime overnight and the human mind and body does not work like that. The other is that you attempt to do it alone. The help and support of a nonjudgmental and uncritical third party is crucial to a good outcome.

Many people think that setting a resolution is all that it needs. It is important to take time to fully appreciate why you have chosen a certain resolution and to examine your commitment to the change. Then  define strategies for creating the change with small action steps that will gradually bring you closer to your goals. 

Achieving solutions begins with setting them correctly and then having support to make them happen in a timescale that the body and mind can and will accept.

New Year solutions are great if they get you thinking about your life. Remember, you can start work on a new solution at any time. The power of the personal change is just too good to be limited to the first few days of the year and it really is possible to keep every resolution without fail.

Copyright The Coaching Academy

    Happy Prosperous New Year