Unfortunately, in the heat of the moment, many of us react with defensiveness and anger or, even worse attack the person criticising us. But the truth is, we need to get over it. We know there is value in constructive criticism—how else would we identify weaknesses and areas for improvement? Being able to handle it calmly and professionally will help us maintain relationships and be more successful in everything we do.
So how do you learn to back off the defensive? The next time you receive constructive criticism whether it be in the work place or from a family member or friend, use these steps to handle the encounter with tact and grace.
Stop Your First Reaction
At the first sign of criticism, before you do anything—stop. Really. Try not to react at all! You will have at least one second to stop your reaction. While one second seems insignificant in real life, it is ample time for your brain to process a situation. And in that moment, you can halt a dismissive facial expression or reactive quip and remind yourself to stay calm.
The Benefit Of Getting Feedback
Now, you have a few seconds to quickly remind yourself of the benefits of receiving constructive criticism namely, to improve your skills, work product, and relationships, and to help you meet the expectations that others have of you.
You should also try to curtail any reaction you are having to the person who is delivering the feedback. It can be challenging to receive criticism from someone that you do not fully respect. But remember, accurate and constructive feedback comes even from flawed sources.
Listen For Understanding
You have avoided your typical reaction, your brain is working, and you have recalled all the benefits of feedback. Now, you are ready to engage in a productive dialogue as your competent, thoughtful self (as opposed to your combative self).
As the person shares feedback with you, listen closely. Allow the person to share his or her complete thoughts, without interruption. When he or she is done, repeat back what you heard. For example, “I hear you saying that you want me to provide more detailed weekly reports, is that right?” At this point, avoid analysing or questioning the person’s assessment, instead, just focus on understanding his or her comments and perspective. And give the benefit of the doubt here. Recognise that the person giving you feedback may be nervous or may not express his or her ideas perfectly.
Say Thank You
This is the hard part. Look the person in the eyes and thank him or her for sharing feedback with you. Do not gloss over this, be deliberate, and say, “I really appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me.” Expressing appreciation does not have to mean you are agreeing with the assessment, but it does show that you are acknowledging the effort your colleague took to evaluate you and share his or her thoughts.
Deconstruct The Feedback By Asking Questions
Now it is time to process the feedback. You will probably want to get more clarity at this point and share your perspective. Avoid engaging in a debate, instead, ask questions to get to the root of the actual issues being raised and possible solutions for addressing them. For example, if a colleague criticises you here are a few ways to deconstruct the feedback:
Seek specific examples to help you understand the issue
Acknowledge the feedback that is not in dispute
Try to understand whether this is an isolated issue
Seek specific solutions to address the feedback
Request Time To Follow Up
Hopefully, by this point in the conversation, you can agree on the issues that were raised. Once you articulate what you will do going forward, and thank the person again for their feedback so that you can close the conversation and move on.
That said, if it is a larger issue, or something presented by your boss, you may want to ask for a follow up meeting to ask more questions and get agreement on the next steps. And if that is OK—it will give you time to process the feedback, seek advice from others, and think about solutions.
Constructive criticism is often the only way we learn about our weaknesses, without it we cannot improve. When we are defensive, instead of accepting and being gracious, we run the risk of missing out on this important insight.
Remember, feedback is not easy to give and it is certainly not easy to receive, but it will help us now and in the long run.
With thanks to Nicole Lindsay
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